Craig Ferguson Quotes

Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden.

I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.

Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She is adorable. She is back on the campaign trail. Really. She's going to campaign in the Senate runoff in Georgia. As soon as she finds out where Georgia is.

I'm hooked on email. That's right, kids, I'm one of you.

Al Qaeda has declared war on the Somali pirates. That is awesome! Evil against evil. Like Alien versus Predator or Cheney versus his lawyer.

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.

I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.

A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was strudel.

The Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They're like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

Bush's memoir is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles.

I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.

The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.

The idea of having Australians upset at me is just awful.

That's the thing about terrorism - it works. Especially for the terrorists - they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

Today Monopoly added a new game piece: the cat. The new piece was chosen after weeks of online voting. Is that a surprise? Whenever there's a vote for something on the Internet, the cat always wins.

I'm careful with money.

I love the United States. I have applied for citizenship. I want to take the oath of allegiance on TV.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

If Scotland and America go to war, I'm afraid I've already sworn in.

There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.

If you know anything about me - and, if you do, I'm sorry that your life turned out like that.

It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.

What we do have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the Shawshank Redemption of late night!

I know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.

According to a new study, our email is not as safe as we thought. How do they know this? They've been reading my email.

Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

I'm a terrible interviewer. I'm not a journalist - although I have a Peabody Award - and I'm not really a late-night host. What I am is honest.

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

I wanted to be a rock star.

The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.

The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.

Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?