Craig Ferguson Quotes

I don't know now if I'm funny. I just keep talking and hope that I hit something that's funny.

Osama bin Laden's death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, 'President Obama saves the world.' Stations on the right are going, 'Obama kills fellow Muslim.'

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

You know, your whole life you're concerned about money for this and that. And then you don't have to worry about it, so you worry about other stuff.

Every year law schools churn out thousands of lawyers. We don't need any more lawyers. We need more lawyers like we need more talk-show hosts.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Whoever I had become had to die.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.

Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.

I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

If the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.

Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving.

Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!

It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space 'the Bruce Jenner effect.'

A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.

Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.

Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.

My pilot's license. I'm proud of that.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.

I hated the summer jobs I had when I was a teenager. They were so mundane and repetitious, they deadened my soul. On the bright side, it was good training for this job.

I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Another one of President Barack Obama's nominees is having tax issues, which proves one thing: The Democrats like raising the taxes, but they hate paying them.

I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.

A lot of the U.S. used to be part of Mexico, including Arizona. But they're a bit touchy about that right now.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch - or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.

I only like sports that Bond villains played.

World War Z is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It's like Black Friday at the mall.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

Now that healthcare is guaranteed, I'm frying everything I eat. Fried food and cigarettes.

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia.

Climate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.

When I stopped drinking, it was only because I thought if I don't stop, I'm going to die.

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.

Great, as long as you're happy

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.

North Korea announced that they have nuclear weapons and they have no plans to give them up. The White House, acting quickly, announced their plan to invade Iran.

The 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony.

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.