Craig Ferguson Quotes

The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.

Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

According to a new study, Hawaii is the happiest place in America to live. And I thought it was just a great place to pretend you were born in.

Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.

Even though it's warm here in L.A., people still have to wear layers - at least until their plastic surgery heals.

The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

Every year there's a jury at the Cannes Film Festival. Getting on the jury is very competitive in France. Not because the French love cinema, but because they love to judge.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like Barks & Recreation and Game of Bones.

I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

They say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.

I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.

Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?

Lance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.

Fat is where comedy is stored.

They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.

A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.

New iPod. It looks like an iPhone but it can't make phone calls. So its really just an iPhone.

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

Pies were invented 12,000 years ago by the Egyptians. It was an easy way to preserve food that would be carried over long distances. They were like ancient Slim Jims.

For a while, some schools across the country were banning spelling bees. For obvious reasons, of course - steroids

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

I'm always a bit shy around evil people.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

Anyway, if you needed something really dangerous, get a gun. It's easy, it's cheap, and it's the American way.

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe.

Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

I don't think of myself of a late-show host any more than I think of myself of a game-show host. I mean, I've done both, I've been an actor. I'm just kind of a carny, that's it.

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women.

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.Infallibility is a sin in any man.All laws can be broken and are.Often.

Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) “Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?

I think in our desire to create a better America, we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like, 'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.