You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

What should they know of England who only England know?

Apple has long been a leading innovator of mobile technology I myself own an iPhone.

What is outside yourself does not convey much worth; Clothes do not make the man, the saddle not the horse.

I hate you all because you destroy my dreams!

If I had the energy, I would have done it all over the county.

I'm not interested in the texture of a rock, but in its shadow.

I love all those stupid, cheesy chat-up lines like 'Did God take the stars out of the sky and put them into your eyes?' But I never get chatted up.

Any startling piece of work has a subversive element in it, a delicious element often. Subversion is only disagreeable when it manifests in political or social activity.

If wishes would prevail with me, my purpose should not fail with me.