Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness.

You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

What a tiresome place America would be if freedom meant we all had to think alike or be the same color or wear the same gray flannel suit! That road leads to the conformity of the graveyard!

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

Life is a short walk. There is so little time and so much living to achieve.

My fight is not for racial sameness but for racial equality and against racial prejudice and discrimination.

Your best dreams happen when you wake up.

Committing suicide so as not to be murdered is the worst reason I've ever heard of to die.

If your intentions are good, nothing bad can happen.

Checking in on what our kids are doing online isn't helicoptering, it's parenting.

Age is not so much a feature of your character, as the spot where you stand for a pretty fleeting time on the arc of your life.

In essence, the optimistic style involves taking credit for successes but little blame for failures.

Dust in an urn long since, dispersed and dead Is great Apollo; and the happier he

You, the strong, have I loved, though the marks of your iron hoofs are yet upon my flesh.

I'm always willing to dub myself in all the five languages that I speak for the international market, because I think it's better when our audience hears the real voice of the actor that is acting.

I have always been interested in gender politics, so I'm not that keen on doing things that don't represent a truth about women.