The Pentagon banned the army from using Chinese-made berets. In a more veiled slap at the Chinese, the Pentagon also banned any alternative form of checkers.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

But, as I say, I was toofull of excitement and (a true saying, though those who have neverknown danger may doubt it) too desperate to die.

If you don’t walk according to the Word of God, then you are on the way that leads to self-destruction

In fighting, in evolution, in life, efficiency is the key.

I tell you this as a cautionary tale: beware of getting what you want. It's bound to disappoint you.

Go to work and be a Hollywood stud, drive your four wheel drive right into the mud.

No, the type-casting didn't happen until after Star Trek. I don't think that you get typecast until you've been cast!

To me, ultimate happiness is a journey, not a destination. It's not somewhere you end up, it's making choices every day to make yourself happy.

I usually make to-do lists with timelines, and pen and paper does the trick for me.

Fortune, honour, beauty, youth, Are but blossoms dying; Wanton pleasures, doting love, Are but shadows flying.

It is from weakness that people reach for dictators and concentrated government power. Only the strong can be free. And only the productive can be strong.