Take it from me: no matter how few or how many children you have, or how little or how much money you make, your expenses are going to exceed your income by approximately a hundred dollars a month.

Of course the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Why do you think the neighbors put up the fence?

A surefire method of setting up regular communication with your kids is to get a job in an office which discourages personal phone calls. Your kids will then call you every hour on the hour.

to balance my own checkbook each month, I simply record whatever is necessary in the following manner: '37 cents to cover embezzlement by somebody at the bank.

No matter what sign you were born under, everybody else's horoscope will be more fun than yours.

When people will not weed their own minds, they are apt to be overrun by nettles.

The first thing to improve society is not banning abortion, but making sure that everyone who had a child is in the best position to be able to rear it.

I'm bored with knitting. I've taken up arson.

You’re just using me for my body.” “You don’t have a body,” I’d remind him. “Throw that in my face.” “Technically, you don’t have a face either.

I don't want to know what they think of me - there's always going to be someone who won't like it and that'll just upset me. So, if I'm happy with it, it just matters if I've done my little vision.

I've always liked stories. I'm always reading, ever since I was a kid. I've always been reading and wanting to be in some other world.

But I'm not ready to stop listening to the screwed-up inner voice that's been ordering me around for a lifetime. My head thinks it can kill me... and go on living without me.

I'm always studying something or trying to learn something, keep myself creatively occupied, because I think that energy can get kind of destructive if it doesn't have somewhere to go.

Angelina Jolie seems like she cries a lot, which puts me off.

It would be the greatest mistake, certainly, to think that concessions mean peace. Nothing of the kind. Concessions are nothing but a new form of war.