New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He's going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn't a steak.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Networking means the act of exchanging information with people who can help you professionally.

He who is not just is severe, he who is not wise is sad.

Here is the truth: The Earth is round; Saddam Hussein did not attack us on 9/11; Elvis is dead; Obama was born in the United States; and the climate crisis is real.

There can be no time, no state of things, in which Credit is not essential to a Nation.

Do you think God can be trusted? Or do yo think you need to take things into your own hands?

That is one of the characteristics of fascism, the idea that the state can provide all of the answers for everyone.

To be able to proclaim the Good News to the poor we must know what is poverty.

...the true greatness of a nation is founded on principles of humanity.

Will you walk out of the air, my lord? HAMLET Into my grave.

You can get used to anything - haven't I already said that? Isn't that what all survivors say?