Magic, madam, is like wine and, if you are not used to it, it will make you drunk.

I was told once by some country people that a magician should never tell his dreams because the telling will make them come true. But I say that is great nonsense.

Above all remember this: that magic belongs as much to the heart as to the head and everything which is done, should be done from love or joy or righteous anger.

Father of fathers!

How does something so invisible make one so invincible?

Worry doesn't help tomorrow's troubles but it does ruin today's happiness.

When the clock strikes 2, 3, and 4, if the band slows down we'll yell for more.

One thing I want to teach my son is sensitivity to other people. I want to teach him not to be this macho freak.

The image of the woman as we know it is an image created by men and fashioned to suit their needs.

When it came to football there was a certain age where I realized that my future in football was being a grease spot on the side of some bigger player.

I look into the faces of people struggling with their own lives, and I do not see strangers.

Governments have a legitimate concern with slowing population growth. But often this has been attempted with little concern for the individuals most affected.

Thank you for listening to Comedy Bang Bang! My name is Scott Aukerman and I will see you next week.