It was announced today that Iran has reached a deal with the U.S. to limit its nuclear program and send most of its uranium to Russia. Then Americans said, 'That's great! Wait, WHAT?'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

Your time may come. Do not be too sad, Sam. You cannot be always torn in two. You will have to be one and whole, for many years. You have so much to enjoy and to be, and to do.

Always Think Positive...!

My dad had always said to not trust something unless it’s taken a tumble in the dirt. He’d meant it for people, and for things. Shiny and new didn’t exist for humankind any more.

The continual mismanagement is what keeps us from enjoying the full pallet of emotions that truly enrich us. .

History is the stories we tell about the past.

Sacrifices will make you a martyr, victories will make you a hero.

Be a perpetual beginner. Always be inspired. It is that attitude of inspiration and belief that creates energy.

The anger I have about high school - which I do have because they discouraged every interest I ever had; actually I call it anti-education - that anger led to my career.

Be happy, healthy, and let all that love flow through your heart.

Probably? So you're asking me to trust my life to steel wool and peanut butter?" "Poisoned peanut butter." "Cal, I don't care if it's nuclear peanut butter.