I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you.

You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.

Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

If you were to second guess your decision to book some time to visit an Indian community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.

A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.

The big yellow one is the sun!

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like Mom did you read this?

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour.

I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation.

If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?

The peacemaker must have the strongest heart and the toughest will in the room.

When you start dating another country star, the first question is, 'When are y'all gonna do a duet?' And what sucks about that is people expect you to do it whether you want to or not.

Let your constant practice be to offer yourself to God, that He may do with you what He pleases.

Ron Powlus will win the Heisman two times and be the greatest quarterback in the history of Notre Dame.

Nuthin' can avoid this shot 'cause it's hittin' It's so cool when you touch it, wear a mitten

If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.

Every opponent is a new opponent. Trust me, they don't give a crap how many matches I have won.

Katie, 90% of the things you worry about don't happen, and the 10% that do, you can't do anything about.

No two electrons in the same state? That is why atoms are so unnecessarily big, and why metal and stone are so bulky.

At the very end, the one person who Rambo should kill, he doesn't kill. He lets it live. Because you can't kill that kind of hypocritical bureaucracy. It goes on forever.