I like living with myself. I mean obviously, because here I am interviewing myself.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

It's only possible to betray where loyalty is due

Beware! Your mind is a target!

Oh, readers. If only you knew what we've gone through for you.

There is no point in me worrying about what Bloomberg or Badillo will do.

I never felt comfortable about my looks until I married Reed Vreeland. I believe in love at first sight because that's what it was. I knew the moment our eyes met that we would marry.

And there is, I am certain, among the Iraqi people a respect for the care and the precision that went into the bombing campaign.

Don't stand out. Be in a room and remain unnoticed.

I know I chatter on far too much... but if you only knew how many things I want to say and don't. Give me SOME credit.

Lovers are allowed to be as cruel as anything to the one who dissappoints them.

There should be at least a room or some corner where no one will find you and disturb you or notice you.