Home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in. In other words: Home has exceedingly low standards.

Every once in a while when I get a migraine, I like to think, "Who hates me today?"

You know you're screwed when a Western doctor recommends acupuncture.

I think what can be most shameful or embarrassing is when our bodies broadcast a secret we'd prefer no one to know. This is why I hate rashes, in particular face rashes.

We want to believe we couldn't be replaced, and that the people we love are irreplaceable.

No matter what you wear, not everyone is going to understand what you're saying.

I surround myself with women who inspire me to be more ambitious, and who constantly astonish me with their magnetism, style, and smarts.

I wouldn't be myself if I weren't always trying to be someone else. I only have so much time on this earth and I want to be as many people as possible.

I spend far too much time on eBay buying lamps and upholstery remnants.

I've subsequently become conscious of MAKING MEMORIES. Which makes me sound like a scrapbooker.

I am simply looking for a companion with whom to spend my days, a companion who will cherish as much as I the stupidity of living in the moment, and spend every dull, amazing second with me.

If you can only believe, God will restore your life and the lives of others around you

There is no reason and no way that a human mind can keep up with an artificial intelligence machine by 2035.

Once when Larry the Cable Guy was on Conan's show, Conan O'Brien was so offended by Larry's material, he had to walk away from the desk he was so offended.

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.

Hearing a crowd scream is the coolest sound in the world. It can motivate me to do anything.

Give a man a soccer ball, he plays for a moment. Teach a man to play soccer, he plays for a life time.

Any human power can be resisted and changed by human beings

Any religion has to have a practice. When you let it go so far from practice that it just becomes a matter of talk something bad happens.

Yeah, I saw the guy running out of the building carrying a rifle, I just didn't say anything to the cops because I was so happy that I wasn't the one who got shot.