Anytime I see someone blocking the aisle in the supermarket while talking on a phone, I want to ram that person with my shopping cart.

I'm a woofer, not a tweeter; a writer, not a telegrapher; an essayist, not an aphorist.

Mudslinging - In politics, anything bad the opponent says about our candidate; in contrast, when our candidate does this, it is called 'making a good point.

Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.

Self-Checkout Line – The place where customers of an establishment become unpaid employees of the establishment.

Grammar Checker – A software program that is not needed by those who know grammar and virtually useless for those who don’t.

You're here. I'm here. I love you. I'm gonna pee all over the floor about it.

A few years ago a friend said that I use to hunt and fish and build houses and things but now my whole life revolved around my computer I replied "But my computer revolves around the world

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself.

My whole career - I have been really lucky.

Liberals lost touch with working-class Americans because they never had to have a conversation about values with those voters; they could just rely on the courts to impose their views.

I much prefer the modern world.

Some of my friends snowmobile. I'm a little scared of it.

By the early seventies I had become an Englishman - that is to say, I hated England just as much as half my compatriots seemed to do.

Young feller, you will never appreciate the potentialities of the English language until you have heard a Southern mule driver search the soul of a mule.

People who disagree on important issues don't agree on the facts.