Although I do stand-up - doing actual stage work is terrifying for me.

There are so many different stories. You can choose to tell them, or not, but they certainly have the right to exist

Don't be snarky, but don't be saccharine. Don't pander, but don't shut people out. Go straight down the line with the performance.

I'd like to be in a tiny indie where I'm lost at sea.

I just want to work hard. I love that feeling.

I always just wanted to be a movie actress, like Lily Tomlin or Ruth Gordon. I just imagined myself being in a movie, wearing stylish women's clothing the way I saw Amy Irving wearing it.

Sometimes you watch comedians and feel like they're jerking off in front of you, but they want you to see how big it is.

I tend to be a bit of a workaholic, but I also can't function without some sort of domesticity as well.

I think my comedic style is at once bashful and explosive. It's a little bit perverted, and a little bit ladylike and old-fashioned, which is a great mix. Sort of tangy.

I'm competitive and I have a messy purse, but otherwise, I like people to think I'm a winner.

I don’t think men have time to be funny because they have to make all of our rules about what we can do with our vaginas.

Besides, immense power is acquired by assuring yourself in your secret reveries that you were born to control things.

I began to have an idea of my life not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose which I did not know.

They say that women talk too much. If you have worked in Congress you know that the filibuster was invented by men.

Scouting teaches a boy to take care of himself and stand on his own two feet.

And so, it's not a thing of how many carries, but were you effective when you did carry.

When I became vegan I thought I would have to deprive myself of certain sweets that I loved so much, like caramel and peanut butter cups, but on the contrary!

if there is a god, he sure hates people

I think that the most important thing to me is fans. Without the viewers, without the fans, we have nothing. So I think the fans are awfully important.

Grammar Checker – A software program that is not needed by those who know grammar and virtually useless for those who don’t.

Say 'Dodgers' and people know you're talking about baseball. Say 'Braves' and they ask, 'What reservation?' Say 'Reds' and they think of communism. Say 'Padres' and they look around for a priest.