A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump's public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, 'Quitting!'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

If you knew how great is a mother's love, you would have no fear.

Utility is our national shibboleth: the savior of the American businessman is fact and his uterine half-brother, statistics.

When you meditate or pray... both are forms of meditation... you give up control and find the answer and you open yourself to receive God's gift, the universal force, or whatever that is.

Don't wonder whether you have a call to go. Have you had a distinct call from Christ to stay at home?

The search is in the doing.

The big issue with rock stars becoming actors is that sometimes it's not believable, and vice versa with actors becoming rock stars. Sometimes just doesn't fit.

The majority is always sane.

I'm passionate about history and there's no more historic place than London. We're sitting on a thousand years of history and you can smell it as you're walking around the streets.

He who understands one thing understands everything, for the same laws are in all.

There is at least one thing worse than fighting with allies - And that is to fight without them