A new poll found that 43 percent of Americans think President Obama is doing a good job at handling the BP oil spill. Of course, the same poll found that 43 percent of Americans hate pelicans.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

If only youcould see me as the Devil does: palatable & raw

The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.

The most wonderful pleasure on earth is in saving treasures in heaven... The most wonderful treasure lies in the pleasure of doing so... Live life so well!

A mind, once formed, is never suited after, One yet in growth will ever grateful be. [Ger., Wer fertig ist, dem ist nichts recht zu machen, Ein Werdender wird immer dankbar sein.]

After listening to the radio, I learned what the North Korean government had been telling us about the war was not true. This myth allowed the North to hold the South responsible for the war.

I'm not going to become anybody I don't want to become

Dianetics is an adventure. It is an exploration into Terra Incognita, the human mind, that vast and hitherto unknown realm half an inch back of our foreheads.

It is the responsibility of intellectuals to speak the truth and expose lies.

Talks with terror cannot happen, but talks on terror are desirable.

And the Tea Party represents many of us who believe that we are taxed enough already. We believe in free markets.