Humour Quotes

For me to forgive my ex, he would have to sign a marriage contract with his tears and seal it with his blood.

Shame on you. Don't tell me you've been married for an hour and you've already got eyes for another woman.

Attracting musicians is rather like inviting flies over to tea: they are tolerable for half an hour, but when they begin to touch the food, you either wish they would go home or die.

I know about dance, like the creationist knows about science, and typically treat it with a similar contempt

The shades of colours are splendid.

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

*Prostitution* is a euphemism for rape incidents that the victim and the economy profits from.

If we all learnt cat-speak, we would often find they are saying, “You stupid human, I am trying to tell you something important right now!

Fear of new ideas breeds angry head spiders that have been known to attack.

There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an ‘idea’. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave.

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly.

Matt shrugged. It was a good shrug, too. All it was missing was a beret, a stripy shirt and a Gauloise cigarette.

I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized.''That's just fantasy, ' said Twoflower.'I know. That's the trouble.' Rincewind sighed again.

You do not respond to a mosquito bite with a hammer.

Peace and gladness in every home is a peace for the society, nation and the world.

Age is only a number. Keep an active life.

With the long list of supposedly health-endangering meals on our menus, ‘starving’ seems likea healthy option to have on our list of safe-to-eat meals.

Éibhear isn’t my friend. He’s kin. A blood relation.”“Which means what exactly?”“To a Cadwaladr, it means that if I have good cause, I could beat the scales off his back and get away with it.

I think therefore I am not sure.

When the loneliest place on earth is in your mind, move out!

I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one? Oh, and could you pull a few weeds while you're here?

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote, you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

Who's possessing who now, Casper?

Great songs don't grow on trees, yet lots of songs have been written on great trees

It's good to let your mind wonder, as long as you know where it's going

Stop worrying about life, no one survived it.

If you find yourself cutting corners, go in a circle instead

I ain’t scared to lend a handI ain’t scared to clench it either

Merin smiled. "I fought in battle and your mother bore two children. Of the two of us, I think she was the courageous one.

The man up there raged aloud in two languages, and with a sincerity in his fury that almost convinced me I had, in some way, sinned against the harmony of the universe

In every step you take, keep your feet firmly on the ground.

Be thankful and joyful.Be content with life.Make the most of every situation.

Miss Fairlie laughed with a ready good-humour, which broke out as brightly as if it had been part of the sunshine above us…

If you’re given a dirty look, wash it and give it back.

People in blind love throw away common sense, conscience and comedy from the life.

This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person’s life.

I’m glad to be eating the bread of freedom even if it does taste like sponge buttered with greasy salt.

This shows you that even mistakes are sometimes valuable, so do not be hard on grown-up people if they are wrong sometimes.

What would your shoes say about the things you do everyday?

Religion and nationalism? I defecate on the altar of religious conviction, and wipe my arse on the flag of national pride.

If a wizard should take up residence in your garden and requests food, you are obliged to feed him.

Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon.

Life is the courier of the universal brilliance." Elysse

To write you dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another's dreams.

To write your dreams of fantasy, is to create fantasy in another's dreams

When you least expect it, you run in to an old friend from school, or the neighbour’s cat, not Mary the Virgin Mother of God.

Does bad luck come in 3's...or is it multiples of 3?

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.

Shocked my old friend from China, Deja Vu, when I turned up at his door without notice.

I don't know if you've ever been covered head to toe in prickle bush, but let me tell you, it's not a pleasant experience, as I'm sure you can imagine.