Humorous Quotes

... With a slight miscalculated leap cleared to the iron picket fence. Put the fear of God into me, picket fences and balls don't mix.

Shakespeare was so ahead of his time that people still don't talk that way.

When it's all been said and done...There's hell of a lot more said, than done.

When things are going really well, we should take time to notice it.

I’m not sure this is what we bargained for, boy. We expected the girl to be attractive.”If I hadn’t been so terrified, I would have been insulted.

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

It was the time of year that makes every poet’s heart sing and every lawyer question their life choices.

Remember, finding a publisher is a lot like a date. You can submit willfully and keep getting rejected, but in the end, you can always self-publish yourself.

All art requires is courage and the commitment to eat lots of biscuits. D Ellis / 2016

I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?

We are all copy cats. The only original 'thing' is God, And "him", hell, most of us know as little as we know cats.

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.

Sometimes being successful means pissing people off

One of my favorite quotes is:"... If I strike you it ain't going to be in your fancy.

Life is not for understanding or to known rather it is for living & only for living

If you think I'm overdramatic, just remember that Candy Crush calls itself a saga.

Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower.

Three things happened in 1945. Daddy went missing, Annie started wetting the bed, and the Lester girl sang about Hitler in the middle of Sunday service.

Well done girl, I . . I admire your treachery.' Ecruba hissed at Edith.

Smile while you still have teeth.

Riding in a carriage without an escort is modern. But traveling out and about unescorted is unheard of.

Everyone loves to slander everyone, and indulge in it willingly at anytime and anywhere.

In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell--when no one was around to be crushed.

Who do I think would appreciate my book?I’m surprised anybody does. Oops, did I say that out loud?

I wasn’t a class clown, because nuns have no sense of humor. They have rulers.

The oddly shaped man had introduced himself as a Mr. Abernathy, a wealthy friend of the family. "I'm a wealthy friend of the family, " he had said. "Very rich. Friendly.

I screamed, Go to hell! in the car, and the GPS took me to my mother-in-law's house.

The difference between an ignorant fool shoveling manure in a bullpen, and a fool with a PhD, is that the fool with the PhD can shovel more of it, faster.

I have two moods:1. Sleep is for the weak.2. Sleeping for a week.

Men fight like men. Women fight like unchained demons.

It's funny how often we celebrate by poisoning ourselves

Some people are born without souls and will never evolve.

You know?” he asked.“Yes. I know what I am.”“You – you do?”“I’m a time traveler.

His overactive charm poured out like a lone drainage pipe after a flash flood.

I measure my days by the number of homicidal thoughts I have. I only had two today. So it must have been good.

I know I really shouldn't be complaining right now,

He had a bushy unibrow that could house a family of quail.

A rainy day is a good day to be in bed with a good book - or with someone who has read one."T.K. Lukas

Finish is a laundry powder. I feel guilty when I finish a book.

You soon know the difference between a real newspaper and an electronic one as soon as a fly won't leave you alone.

Fainting is for preteen girls and those really weird goats. I do not faint!

Very few problems cannot be solved by either coffee, wine or chocolate.

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

Can a person really love someone so deeply after only a week? Hello? Cliche much for insta-love?

They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.

Going down 6% grades using only a hand brake and low gears wasn’t for sissies and, in retrospect, might have been for idiots.

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect.