Humor Quotes

Are you telling me Kara Orris is afraid of rain?” Hunter’s grin twisted into a smirk as his eyes lit up, relishing his new discovery with absolute delight. “Why, that’s adorable!

Eternity is not a super-abundance of time, but timelessness.

(talking about his father) 230 pounds of nickels in Sears slacks.

Xavier, you have given me more grey hairs than all my sons put together.’ Saul frowned, then corrected himself. ‘To be fair, you and Zed. Just try not to add to them tonight.

Jesus.""I thought you were Jewish."He pressed his lips together for a second before looking at me. "Fine. I'll say Moses. Or Abraham. Happy?""I doubt Jesus is.

Have I told you I love you?" he whispers.I smile. "Not since this morning.""Unforgivable. I will tell you every hour of every day.

Dad, is she serious?"John shrugged. "I argue with your Mama, I sleep on the couch and she doesn't feed me. So i dont argue with your mama.

Faith is Hope on a treadmill. Love is the reason we stay on.

You there is such a thing as a door, " I whispered. "You should try it some time.

There’s no accounting for the opinions of old ladies. They think everyone is cute.

And what if that news anchor is creepy? He's too smooth, and he has that hairpiece.

You know there is such a things as a door, " I whispered. "You should try it some time.

Most women beg me to lick them, and I give it to you for free and you push me away, ” he said with a fake pout on his face.“You’re crazy.” I giggled“I’m the good kind of crazy, though.

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.

Y are you called the cheese man?

My name might be similar, but I'd never say 'Laters, baby.

I hate being a teenager.""Why?""Hormones." With a sad half smile, he left.

You're amazing, " she whispered hoarsely.He pushed back the hair from her face. "You too.""How? All I do is let you play me like a piano."He chuckled. "You've got a great keyboard.

Gorgeous, ” he murmured.She chuckled. “Think you’l say that in five months or so? When I waddle like a duck and you have to tie my shoes for me?”“I’l say it then and forever.

When, for instance, a highly esteemed professor in his seventies abandons his family and runs off with a young red-headed actress, we know that the gods have claimed another victim.

The gods are nothing more than the creations of humans needing something to blame for their problems.

My father looked on in disbelief, overwhelmed that his son had been taught to eat glass and relish it.

A sure way to start your own business is to stay out of everyone else’s.

I trust you all slept well, ” I said, deliberately keeping my tone light. I returned Malich’s glare with a tight-lipped grin.“Yes, we did, ” Kaden answered quickly.“I’m sorry to hear that.

I don't need every answer. Just the right answer.

Why's it so sunny?" she repeated.Zooey observed her rather narrowly. "I bring the sun wherever I go, buddy, " he said.

He threw his hands to his eyes and hissed. Like the hiss of incinerating ashes. "What is this bright, orange orb in the sky that mocks me with its warmth?

Love is the purest form of each individual on the planet Earth

I'm a female Fe= ironMale= manTherefore I am iron man

The history books which contain no lies are extremely tedious

How is it that standing outside for a minute in 90 degree heat is torture, yet standing in a blistering hot shower for 20 minutes is paradise?

Confession was the emotional equivalent to puking, Riley supposed. Something bad went down, bits of it came back up, you felt better.

I love family reunions. Maybe next year we could pass out samurai swords.

Boo: "Go talk to her."Callum: "About what?"Boo: "Anything."Callum: "You want me to walk up to her and say, 'Are you a ghost?'"Boo: "I do that."Callum: "I love it when you get it wrong.

Graveyards were the one place Belladonna never saw ghosts.

You can't reinvent yourself using spare parts..."--Barry Randall from My Father's Ashes

I am astounded at how long it takes to discover... for the first time, the things I have learned... over and over again all my life.

[The materialist] thinks me a slave because I am not allowed to believe in determinism. I think [the materialist] a slave because he is not allowed to believe in fairies.

What kind of one-night stand takes your car the next morning? It’s called the walk of shame, not grand theft auto.

Mae's first impulse was to die of shame, but she realized after a hot, stomach-clenching moment that this was probably impractical.

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better.

Fool me once, shame on youfool me twice, shame on mefool me thrice, I'm gonna get the frying pan!

The more passionate and argumentative I get the more followers and friends I make online.

I was basically born knowing how to casually stalk people on social media.

You could say that Facebook is doing a far more effective job than religion at teaching us to 'love thy neighbor, ' connecting us with random strangers and 'friends' from distant lands.

They kill hundreds of people, those pilots. I would have loved to have flown the plane that dropped the bomb on Japan. A couple of dudes killed hundreds of thousands. That f****** rules! Yeah!

All right. They’re on our left. They’re on our right. They’re in front of us, they’re behind us. They can’t get away this time’.

The other day, we went somewhere, and did something.

Don't stop aspiring. Just learn to duck. . .

He committed the crime of stupidity while under my command, " said Citizen."Oh my, " said Rigg. "They're handing out the death penalty for that these days?