Funny Quotes
We all go through the same things - it's just a different kind of the same thing
because daytime leaves vampires less than, well, conscious, I told him, “Take your muffins to Boston and shut it, Terrance.” And then I hung up on him.
Not everything is funny or will make you laugh...but what a worthy goal to have.
Some women nodded, others shook their heads. I would have killed myself before I let one of them move into my house. Would you Helen? Would you really?
When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.
Has anybody ever told you you’re a remarkably cynical person?”“I like to think of it as learning from experience.
Oh my God, Green, ” I heard Chubs say from somewhere in the room. “Just take the damn socksand put the kid out of his misery.
People don’t just appear on the beach unless they’re demigods or gods or really, really lost pizza delivery guys. (It’s happened—but that’s another story.)
The doctor asked me recently how I was feeling within myself, I replied, “absolutely fine doctor, but I’m terribly lonely without myself.
I think Lafayette wants to rap in French now. I have to go learn some French.Damn it, Lafayette
I think Lafayette wants to rap in French now. I have to go learn some French.Damn it, Lafayette.
You have a mind like the rings of Saturn. A million miles wide and an inch deep.
Were you planning to jump off?"“Not on pizza day. Never on pizza day, which is one of the better days of the week.” I should mention that I am a brilliant deflector.
I want my lobster in bite-sized pieces! How dare you make me chew more than thrice?
Shadowmane sighed as well. :We had better do what this Topaz commands. Unicorns are jerks when they don’t get their way.:
Two passing jetliners reported to controllers they’d seen a man with a gun seated on a deck chair at eleven thousand feet…
The number of times he'd had to pinch his nose to keep his soul in so that he'd make no noise while peering through the parlor keyhole...
As he pulls away from her, his gaze meets mine, and we stare at each other for one long moment before I slowly raise my left hand and give him the middle finger.
No matter how strong you are, you cannot hold open the jaws of a great-white shark with your bare hands... that can do your brain.
A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order.
We have glorified wealth and freedom so much that it is impossible for most of us to truly believe that a man can truly be happy in a shack or within the confines of a prison cell.
First of all, no messiahs are sent. Secondly, no messiah got it. Lastly, no messiah is. And if there ever was or is, maybe I too am it. As too is every dimwit.
We love being mentally strong, but we hate situations that allow us to put our mental strength to good use.
I don't imagine book elitists as my audience when writing. I dream about teachers, morticians and garbage men instead.
The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.
Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.
Falling in love with someone is intentional, even if it was their looks that tripped you.
There is nothing wrong with being a puppet if love is the one pulling the strings.
The easiest way to remember your future wife’s birthday is to marry her on Super Bowl Sunday.
If men could be bought like clothes at an outlet, only then would women always get what they bargained for.
The only time I hold my wife's hand tightly is when my wallet is in her other hand.
A kiss is the only thing you can throw at someone without being held criminally responsible.
Somewhere in the crowd was at least one potential friend who'd understand the fundamental value of goofing off.Because if not, how boring would that be?
Zane sighed. Jovan and Mother were just the same. “Maybe later” meant no.
But sometimes there's a difference between being needed and being taken advantage of.
It is an undisputed truth of the modern age that there are now only two kinds of people in the world: people who call and people who text.
She says screens are the cigarettes of our age. They're toxic, and we're only going to realize the damage they're doing when it's too late.
You can make fun of yourself and people will laugh at you. If you’re smart, you’ll end up as a comedian. If you’re not, you’ll end up as a clown.