Funny Quotes
It’s funny how much easier it is to see others’ shortcomings and give advice when you’re not personally involved, for it’s almost impossible to see the light when you’re swimming in shit.
Really, it's amazing. You are his other half, Alexandria, You are fated to be with him. You belong to
Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.
WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.
Maggie wasn't without her concerns, though. "What if he's crazy?""Yeah, that's a definite possibility, " he agreed."What if he's not your type?""Then we'll only hook up in dark places.
Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was.Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.
I never said nothing...""I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!
You think that killing people will make them like you more, but it doesn't, it just makes them dead.
To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.
She got icing all over her face. I think that's why I like her. For the good stuff, she's willing to get icing all over her face. Who wouldn't want a girl like that?
This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small.""This is just our Thanksgiving house, " Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year.
Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.
You win, you dirty evil butt-munch. I'll never not let you stay over again. Now let's go back to bed.
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
The great William Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" He also said, "Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.
You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.
She didn‟t look like the athletic type to me.” “Maybe Nemov carried her. He looked like he could.” “He looked like he could carry his SUV. I don‟t know why he didn‟t.
He had waited until I had my door open, then driven away. The perfect gentleman. Sort of like Dracula just before he drank your blood.
Well, well, well, " said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. "Well, well, well, well, " replied Pavel, not to be out welled.
Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come find me. - Shella
No other foreskin could have caused such trouble.
Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No, ’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.
I just wrote a book. But don't go and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished.
Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.
Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan’s library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn’t finished coloring either one of them.
And since when is stealing people's possessions the call of God? you are all hypocrites who have suddenly come into power, and you don't know how to handle it
He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to Lawrence Davenport about Lawrence Davenport.
Huevos up. Swing up to the window, swing back to Al B. Hall, who says, "Bless you, " and would I get him a bottle of Satan's Red-Hot Revenge for the eggs?Sure thing, Pastor.
Now you be careful in the real world" said Armpit " Not everyone is as nice as us.
I was one of those. I meddled with dark powers. Isummoned demons. I ate the entire little cheese, including the rind.
Bryan helped me up. "How can you be so good one minute then clumsy the next?"I shrugged. "I've never been very athletic. Not unless you count fencing.""You made fences?
I am a vicious and unrepentant killer who should be locked up. With him, my idiot boyfriend.
Funny thing- Morgenstern's folk's were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.
Bones just stared. "You're not a woman, " he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!
At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?""No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!
I love when I can reboot people when they are being mean to others...
That's all right, " she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine."Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.
Don't say anything. Just act cool, " I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver."Like this?" it asked."No, I mean act calm."Mavkel stopped shivering.
Can I buy you an ice cream beforeI take you home? I feel like it’s the least I can do after scaring your shirt off.