Comedy Quotes

I’m going to ear you like a starved man and I want you to keep your eyes on me the whole time. Are we clear?” – The Seduction Factor Casual Encounter 1

I like to think I'm not stupid often, tonight proves that when I am, I do it in a big way.

I hear Mr. Palmer tell Hannah that it was an electrical fault. Five arsonists in one school and it ends up being something so technically boring.

I got mixed up with some oddness in my youth, and the long and short of it is that I can't shuffle off this mortal coil until I have read the ten most boring classics.

It's called the Infinity Effect.

As I reflect on all my friends and colleagues in my life on this special occasion... Mother is only half the word that immediately comes to mind.

I made a noise of disgust, and I think I would have stormed out if I knew how to open the door.

I get a kick out of cursing people for life on Sundays.

Ask your wife for forgiveness, even when you’re right.

The easiest way to be the prettiest girl at a party is to rig the guest list.

She complains that I'm lazy, but I just like to save my energy for dinner.

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy.

A man who boasts he's the head of the home must never forget the woman is the knife at his throat.

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

We are all copy cats. The only original 'thing' is God, And "him", hell, most of us know as little as we know cats.

I know I really shouldn't be complaining right now,

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car.

When it's all said and done remember, "You are only as old as you look.

Wisdom of the Ages: "President's Day" One allowed the Federal Reserve and one got lead. One got a city and the other got dead.

Wisdom of the Ages "Unsuccessful Town Slogans" Sequim (WA)- "We put the Dung in Dungeness.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Government" Like a mafia protection racket-without the protection.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Unsuccessful pick-up lines" 'My parole ends today, let's celebrate!

Wisdom of the Ages: "Valentine's Day" Because she never forgets, especially if you do.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Brian Williams Week" Just like me in 2003, it looks like Brian Williams ended up "Between Iraq and a Hard Place.

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Unger Games" If your meals depend on you beating the Seahawks, you're gonna go "'Unger-y.

Special Post-Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Eating Crow" This year, it just tastes like Seahawk.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Skull and Bones" A secret society of spoiled twits whose apparent purpose in life is littering the landscape with as many as possible.

Wisdom of the Ages: "Tooth Fairy" Growing up in the Northwest was tough. For years I thought the Tooth Fairy was a big boat with cars and sharp teeth.

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Pope and Congress" It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.

I check every can of Barbasol I buy for dinosaur embryos. I haven't found any yet, as evidenced by the lack of T-Rex screams in my apartment.

Play and be happy.

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

Kind of a bummer, getting your butt kicked by a dead guy.

My dog hasn't said a word all day, he must have a lot on his mind

Jersey cows, ” Eva explained after Jac complimented the luxurious taste. “The butter and cream here are better than anywhere in the world.”“Not that we’re prejudiced, ” Theo teased.

Marriage is the equivalent of trying to live with a bug perpetually up your nose.”D’Artagnan Bloodhawke

I don’t think I’m crazy, but then again, define crazy.

I was performing my ritual of sipping tea, shooting flirtatious glances and planning murder

You tell your brother he's gonna pay for that car in silver.

Oh for Christ sakes. Ay carrumba, chimichanga. I have no idea what you’re saying, but shut your pretty pie hole.

Oh, a grenade. But where is the bamboo bazooka?

She wished now she'd brought that vibrator as a flashlight instead of leaving it on the couch.

Damn. A dead body. I hate it when that happens.

If I call him back here, " Cooper whispered in her ear, "will you crawl up my body again?

I don't suppose you have a rocket powered helicopter hidden in your bra?

If I’m going down, I’m going down with lipstick on.” ~Maggie Mae Castro

Great. This girl was going to seriously mess with my ability to stay on parole. ~Maggie Mae Castro

Really? Assaulting an officer? That’s a new one for you.” ~ FBI Special Agent Clive Poole to Maggie Mae Castro

You have a very attractive revenge streak in you. I like it. A lot.” ~Maggie Mae Castro to FBI Special Agent Clive Poole