Comedy Quotes

You should really smile more Miss.” “Smiling Is overrated.” my voice as sharp as a knife, my voice deadpanned, as I sulked at the wall.

I’d never heard of a rain check before, but hoped it was something storm rescuers bought bags of souvenirs for their kids with.

Naturally, we lunatics are the kindest of the bunch.

Not that I can think of. In fact, I have never met anyone who didn’t like gargoyles.

Funny is always a good way to start when in doubt

I’d like to say I’m not dressed up for anyone in particular, but that would be a lie.

When I think about books, I touch my shelf.

I squinted at her. “You’re an adult.” “You’re an adult too.” “But you’re an older adult. You’ve had more practice.” Mom leaned back and laughed.

I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.)

My eye was drawn to a bright green hue, the same shade as a poisonous Amazonian frog, the tiny, delightfully deadly ones.

They say the crazies come out at night. I say the crazies come out during election year: Elections have the power to turn once seemingly normal people into certified loonies.

I do not think, Prospero, ' he said, 'that one should attribute a very high degree of reality to your house.

Nahum bobbed again. 'My crest is cropped by croaking cranes. I go to drown in doleful dumps, dead-drunk with drearihead.

I take my food very seriously. Whenever I hear that bell, I know Mrs. Norris is hankerin' for some spam.

Assad whistled a few notes of one of his native country's melancholic songs. It sounded as though he was whistling backwards

He'd make her work so hard that a job as a cardboard-box presser at the margerine factory would seem like paradise.

Bak stood a moment, as though considering whether the sum total of their shared working life was ending in a minus or a plus.

Ever since my famous battle with Python, I've had a phobia of scaly reptilian creatures. (Especially if you include my stepmother, Hera. BOOM!)

I'm never growing up, I'll just sit in the corner of time and sip my juice box petulantly and judge your terrible Hamlet adaptations.

I’m alive, ” he groaned. “But I’m not doing a very good job of it.

And turnips - endless ruptured turnips.

Saint Melor’s father was Saint Meliau.”“Was everyone in Bertaèyn a saint, back in the day?”“Everyone who didn’t murder anyone, maybe, ” Perrotte said.

You’re not mending anything, remember, Sand? The hedge.” He paused and shook his head at himself. “And Perrotte’s away for a few minutes, and you’re talking to yourself again.

When in doubt, " Calypso said, "Tater Tots.

Four different kinds of Tater Tots?" I felt overwhelmed by culinary confusion. "Why would anyone need so many? Chili. Sweet potato. Blue?

I choked on the air I'd just sucked in and swung around in disbelief. "What did you just say?""Me and the whole PD heard about your wet bra, so I'm assuming your panties are wet too.

It's so Hogwarts.

Motto for latin countries: If you're not late, you're not on time

I pat her on the head. "Oh, naive little Kitten. Dear, foolish girl. This cookie is worth all this and more. Sit or you will not partake.

At this, Gansey rolled over onto his back and folded his hands on his chest. He wore a salmon polo shirt, which, in Blue’s opinion, was far more hellish than anything they’d discussed to this point.

Glancing at the bottle of tequila in Tate’s hand, Logan questioned much more calmly than he felt, “How full was that?”Tate lifted the quarter-empty bottle and shrugged. “Unopened. Why?

On a date, if you look more often to your phone than to your girlfriend/wife, then you have a problem... but if it is your partner who is messaging you, than you both need help.

If God would cry, you can´t compare it to a tsunami.

But then again, I shouldn't judge. That is, after all, my pet peeve.

It's funny how things work out.Trouble is, I'm still not laughing.

I'd grown impervious to all three of his facial expressions.

That one doesn’t count. The poor scoundrel is deaf, but he makes a fine sniffer. How do you think we found you?

Dammit Bard, you're going to set the cat on fire.

Botox is as common as seagulls in Sarasota, but most of the women I know who use the dermatologist’s little helper still have full range of expression. Except squinting, of course.

I had heard of Virginia before only in passing, a "crazy ex" with whom things had not ended well. I was accustomed to this lazy shorthand for men who dislike the emotions of women.

Was she pregnant then?' asked Assad. Judging by the number of family members in his photos, it was a feminine condition with which he was quite familiar.

@She is really really so beautiful there, ' said Assad.Carl glanced at him. Apparently a woman's appearance was a particularly valuable factor in his assistant's world-view. But Carl agreed with him.

Assad: 'I have written it just down here.'He Pointed to a number of Arabic symbols that could just as well have meant it was going to snow in the Lofoten Islands in the morning.

You'd be amazed to discover all the tangible things that can come out of dreams." "Like drool?

Wintertime is the best time of the year to get really fat.

Try to think like a human, ’ said Gant, lolling in one of the club chairs.‘Why should I restrict myself so severely?

Your words hurt, Jazz. They hurt like cotton balls thrown in my direction.

Thus, in moments of catastrophe, when hard decisions needed to be made quickly, all AIs included in their calculations a human death toll governed by a factor called ‘pigheadedness’.

It all came back to human time and utterly human impulses: in the end, gods did not appreciate godlike power, but humans did.

Simon gave her a startled look. 'I don't believe I have ever been condescended to by a woman before.' She shrugged. 'It was probably past time.