Comedy Quotes

Have you ever or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage, or in terrorist activities, or genocide? I think we can put a big yes down for all of the above.

In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in the room and fainting.

Get used to gaps in your comprehension, ” said Sabetha. “The rest of us certainly have.

If they tell me one more time that I'm using the wrong fork for a part of a meal, I swear I'll show them exactly how multifunctional the utensil can be.

One of the multitudes of exboyfriends had been a country music fan and left Gemma with an unfortunate passion for Tammy Wynette. It was like, Cat thought, he’d given her herpes.

And didst thou imbibe mighty potions from the fruit of the grape (...)? And hast thou one Ache, this morning (...) appertaining unto Head, and much repentance in thy Soul forsooth?

This many pretty girls in the room, all watching you boys like you’re a wedding-reception one-night stand waiting to happen—

It's a shame I'm going to be forced to commit severe testicular trauma upon that boy

You are Bellman, aren’t you? The genius who sent the sauna ape after me?” Harry nodded toward the Finn.

Chocolate cake and a diamond ring? In bed with the man of my dreams?

Holy swoonballs!

My ex wants to come and rescue me.’‘Too late! I already rescued you. Who does this guy think he is?

Comedians can turn laughter into tears and back again.

And the way he follows you around all the time. It's like he's been taking pointers from your dog.

The Problem is Not the Problem.The Problem is Your Attitude Towards the Problem

I put a knife in your hand and your first instinct was to stab me.""You tried to stab me first, " I objected without thinking.

I am a loser in my own plot, but I might be the hero in someone else's plot.

One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.

Quiet, ” she hissed at me, her voice shockingly aggressive for such a small person. “Otherwise, I’ll shut you up myself.

I was going to become a human sand burger.

It was as if she was a wannabe Persian cat who had just tasted sour milk.

Clearly, this was another thing I needed to add to the: ‘repetitive cycle of things that were constantly happening in my life’ list, which currently contained fainting and my ability to find trouble.

Of course they were eaten, ” he retorted, his eyes flashing in cold humour. “Trolls generally aren’t exactly renowned for being vegetarians.

Yeah. Of course I can do simple math. I graduated high school, ya know.”“What an accomplishment. No one has ever done that before.

No one knew how old she was, but she vaguely remembered waving to President Coolidge. She still had all of her marbles, though every one of them was a bit odd and rolled asymmetrically.

Charlie waves me on, then leans an elbow on his chair. Propping his head up with a finger by his te

Little James Herondale, age two, was in fact holding a dagger quite well. He stabbed it into a sofa cushion, sending out a burst of feathers. "Ducks, " he said, pointing at the feathers.

You're baking?""Yes.""It's almost midnight.""I specialize in late-night kitchen disasters.

Being immortal is grand and all but I don't really remember half of what I did. The human brain was not made to hold this much information. So it doesn't.

It seems the only thing that can rob you of your formidable powers of inquisition is the sight of me without a shirt on.

You are amazing, " she said. "And you make a very handsome elephant.

I thought you came down right on the side of go directly to jail, do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

When did you get that?""The shirt? At Macy's. Winter sale.

If he sees you in this apartment he will seriously murder you and then break up with me.  And I really, really don’t want him to break up with me, Linc.”“But murdering me, that’s all good?

There is nothing more American than buying a Japanese car on the 4th of July

What? Why are you making the glee nose? The death of my world is funny? The final vengeance of my people? I will kill you.

Lunch makes me feel a bit better.

A drunken but exceedingly depressed German clown from Munich entertained the public.

Nothing was ever where Cole wanted it to be.

I'm realizing that some of my greatest (or at least most determined) genius lies in my ability to procrastinate.

Buddy I have lived through three wars and several major political skirmishes. You can't beat me down with your boring-to-death sales pitches.

Tell me, what's the difference between tracking a wild beast and securing a husband?

At this point I'm sure he's more plastic than person, but most people who hate wrinkles become Daleks over time, anyway.

I don't have a hot date. I don't even have a lukewarm date.

Ah, well, when you explain it like that, it seems obvious, " said Mudge. "Of course, it always seems obvious once it's been explained.

listen carefully, as this may be something of a shock to you." "A shock? You mean all that was just the precursor?

Close your eyes!""You can't kiss me from down there, Wylan." "Just do it!

I try very hard to be annoying! Don't insult my ability to annoy!

F*ck you guys, I'm goin' home

F*ck you guys, I'm goin' home.