Comedy Quotes

I launched into my speech, it took me a few seconds to realize that the only one listening was max (the dog) but at least he had the good manners to stop chewing the toilet brush and pay attention.

He's the meanest one. We call him..Byrd the Turd

Its Batteries! I just know it!

So how's the putrid pile of caca doing?

He had a real mother, and a stepfather named Bart who Martin called Fart but only with his brothers and James

I was of course discussing the book of Leviticus. I don't know why your mind is so filthy these days, Bingley.

It's just... You sound like lorde. But like, with maple syrup.

I… have an unnatural fondness for him, Duchess. One might even say that I love him. As a man should love a woman, really.” “Well, I would imagine the mechanics of that would be different.

The risk I took was calculated, but, man, am I bad at math!

I'm going to need to save you.""Excuse me? No one needs-""I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful.

I love that there's such a rivalry. It's like, leaf water versus bean water, ya know? - Charlie

You should praise, criticize and flirt with people right to their face, only then it will make a difference.

I hate you.'My sister said it different than she said it to my dad. She meant it with me. She really did.'I love you, ' was all I could say in return.

Werewolves never joke about age, ” he said solemnly.“Why not?”Connor shrugged, a smile teasing his lips. “I dunno, ” he finally admitted. “I just thought it sounded good.

His life was a constant war with insensate objects that fell apart, or attacked him, or refused to function, or viciously got themselves lost as soon as they entered the sphere of his existence.

I angle my head down and peer up at him through my lashes in what I hope is an alluring manner. I have zero experience in this area though, so it’s possible I look like a total moron.

I don’t know. We’ve kissed. It was nice.”“Nice? Nice is getting an extra shot of espresso in a latte. Nice is finding a dollar on the street. Nice is generic.

You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one, ' said Tommy.'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands, ' said Tuppance.'You have the wrong kind of friends, ' said Tommy.

I don't like sleeping in the dark jungle by myself.Ren

While you’re singing something romantic, I can’t get the lyrics to ‘Love and Marriage’ out of my head, and that tune always reminds me of the jingle from Jeopardy.

Reply when questioned on the safety of the polio vaccine he developed:It is safe, and you can't get safer than safe.

...space flight still had a long way to go to catch up with the safety record of the milkshake industry.

So where did you get your information? Werewolves for Dummies? No, wait, you watched Underworld? Or maybe you were raised by wolves? Stop mewhen I’m warm.” - Shella

You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud

So his flunkies are what, pirates?

You named the chicken, Chicken?" She looked embarrassed. "When we decided not to kill it, I got attached.

The workshop door opened and Skulduggery emerged. "Ryan, " he said, "stop leaning on my car.

No problem. Just drop it back off before you go, " he says, procuring a brass key. "And if he puts on Bowie's early stuff and starts sweet-talking, dammit, you run. You run as fast as you can.

Are you scared of going in to see the raghnaid [the council]?” asked a gray female pup. “Are you cag mag [crazy]? If a bear was his Milk Giver, you think he’s scared of the raghnaid?

Llamas can drive... they just don't know it yet...

Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat.

It was like watching an angsty hormone-fueled train wreck and firmly cemented my resolve to be at least twenty-five before I considered getting hitched.

We should go swimming, " Anna says, out of the blue.

It dawned on him that he really could be a cop if he wanted to, and it dawned on him that he'd had this revelation while eating a donut, and it that wasn't a sign, he didn't know what was.

Like some huge, mutant chicken–I sat there hatching a gas-egg the size of a planet.

Principal Totty was one of those people who frown while they’re speaking, and then smile at the end of each sentence. It was weird. It was like there were two different people inside her brain.

It's delicious, ’ he announces, chewing my sandwich. 'I would like to stay here forever and die with you in my arms.' 'I don't know. I think it's too cold for forever, ' I say, smiling.

Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!

jace's clothes had been clean, stylish, ordinary. Sebastian had been wearing a long black wool trench coat that had looked expensive. Like an evil Burbeery ad, Simon said when she was done.

Awesome ends with me but Ugly starts with u...

I guess it was what my friend Phoolendu at the yoga studio would call kismet. That's like fate, but much more dramatic.

Peace cannot be achieved they have to be plucked out of their pod.

What's the matter, fairy boy? Pissed because Chrys rather kiss me?" - Essence (Nymphs of Macedonia Trilogy #1)

I never hear about dear Mike. I wrote Ellen Greene and asked about him and she replyed and never mentioned Mike but told me all about her roomatism. As if I cared about her roomatism.

I love Mormon boys!

Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress careful not to shag her or you’ll never get your balls back.” - Simon Hunt

I may not always be right, but when I am, I admit it

Audrey turned to him, a sly little spark hiding in her eyes. "THe only man who gets to call me'love' would be waking up next to me after a very, very fun n

And I meant to tell you: that was a one-in-a-thousand shot."She raised her hand. "Don't.""It was awesome, " George confirmed. "It really was, " Jack said. "His head exploded.

Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view, and, usually, his tongue was doing most