Comedy Quotes
Stealing is good, honest work, " Said the theif, puffing out his chest. "Well, not honest, strictly speaking, " he admitted after a moment. "Or actually good.
Very helpful, I must say. Look at them in the eye and shout, and they understand every word..." (Mr. Warbeck in Sienna, talking about local Italians.)
It’s true—there are only, like, two songs about rainbows, including that one. He should be asking why there are so few songs about rainbows.
Screw sharks a Transformer could be stretching up on its tippy toes and would still have a mile of cover to eat me.
He spun out enough toilet paper to vandalize a house and carefully cleaned the seat.
Now me, ” said Mr. Vandemar.“What number am I thinking of?” “I beg your pardon?” “What number am I thinking of?” repeated Mr. Vandemar. “It’s between one and a lot, ” he added, helpfully.
Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.
You'll see. I have a collection of fine waistcoats and a handsome face." He stepped back to let her take in the full effect of both and her smile spread to the edge of a laugh.
Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!
I would never say snog. I would say osculate.” She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?
I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven from Blood of Prey
(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.
By the time I'm nine I know the world is a dangerous place. I've heard whispers about razorblades in apples, about Charlie Manson and his family. But no one is offering any clear information.
Asia is an entertainment, Europe is a dream, America is an imprisonment and Rest is a nightmare.
It was a little difficult to take him seriously when he sang along to a song about a woman taking another woman's man.
And you are going to close the gates, because I told you to close the gates.
The moonlight caught the glint of his lip ring, which he was now fondling with the tip of his tongue as he stared down at me. It was a bit awkward.
Dear Mom, I won't be home this weekend because I'm wanted for treason and I have to clear my name. Also, I took the last Sprite from the fridge.Love, Steve
Talk about getting off tangent. My mother's friend may have just killed his wife and my parents are sitting there talking about cows.
I came in several times and spoke, but perhaps you were asleep when I thought you were awake.''You are very considerate to explain it this way, ' Sugreeva said, 'but I was drunk
Rumo!" said Rumo. "That's right!" Smyke exclaimed. "You Rumo, me Smyke." "You Rumo, me Smyke." Rumo repeated eagerly. "No, no." Smyke chuckled.
A robber? In the trash bins? Honestly, Wes. This is Salem Falls, not the set of Law and Order.
A clue! From M!""Who's M?""Maybe M is for Mackintosh! Maybe Grabes ans Mackintosh are in cahoots!""Or maybe M is for Mom. Also, who says 'cahoots'?
My Date was waiting for me at the kitchen door, ears perked, tail wagging and bits of wicker clinging to his nose and mouth" --Abby Shaw, Sucker Punched
If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.
Katie purred in pleasure as she licked the beating vein in Jared’s neck.
You'd be surprised." Charlie said."You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp Bizkit.""What the hell is Limp Bizkit?
Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door...I'll pay for that!!! Since I'm here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!
If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?
Captain Jibby looked at the door, clenched his teeth, and worked his face into a scowl so fierce you would think the door had insulted his mother - which, for the record, it had not.
Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a basket of goose eggs and a rhubarb pie.
I'm one-half Cherokee, one-half Irish, one-half Turkish, one-half Australian and one-half Korean." "Excuse me, but that's five halves, " said Maggie.
Get off me you dirty turnip!" "Dirty turnip? well, pardon me Signor Cabbage-Head!
He was warm, partly because he had on many layers, and partly because boys whoa re part wolf and part wind do not get cold.
He'd once explained that when he was a boy his very proper parents had forbidden him and his brothers to curse in the house so 'feather buckets' was the young boys coded way of saying 'f*ck it
All the electronic devices are powered by white smoke. When smoke goes out, device is dead.
Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it, while shoving handfuls of salted peanuts down his gullet and slurping ice cold Fanta
...a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt.
Oh. My. God.’ she said, pointing out of the window. ‘Do you know what that is?’I nodded and said, ‘I think I may have seen it before.’‘That, ’ said Florida, ‘is the Moonyouidiot.