Comedy Quotes
This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small.""This is just our Thanksgiving house, " Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year.
Revel in grossness. Leave food in your teeth. Proudly display feminine hygiene products.
You win, you dirty evil butt-munch. I'll never not let you stay over again. Now let's go back to bed.
Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
The great William Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" He also said, "Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.
You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.
She didn‟t look like the athletic type to me.” “Maybe Nemov carried her. He looked like he could.” “He looked like he could carry his SUV. I don‟t know why he didn‟t.
He had waited until I had my door open, then driven away. The perfect gentleman. Sort of like Dracula just before he drank your blood.
Well, well, well, " said Aitch Dee, his arms folded across his chest. "Well, well, well, well, " replied Pavel, not to be out welled.
Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come find me. - Shella
No other foreskin could have caused such trouble.
Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No, ’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.
I just wrote a book. But don't go and buy it yet, because I don't think it's finished.
Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.
Prepare yourself for some bad news: Ronald Reagan’s library just burned down. Both books were destroyed. But the real horror: He hadn’t finished coloring either one of them.
And since when is stealing people's possessions the call of God? you are all hypocrites who have suddenly come into power, and you don't know how to handle it
He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to Lawrence Davenport about Lawrence Davenport.
Huevos up. Swing up to the window, swing back to Al B. Hall, who says, "Bless you, " and would I get him a bottle of Satan's Red-Hot Revenge for the eggs?Sure thing, Pastor.
Now you be careful in the real world" said Armpit " Not everyone is as nice as us.
I was one of those. I meddled with dark powers. Isummoned demons. I ate the entire little cheese, including the rind.
Bryan helped me up. "How can you be so good one minute then clumsy the next?"I shrugged. "I've never been very athletic. Not unless you count fencing.""You made fences?
I am a vicious and unrepentant killer who should be locked up. With him, my idiot boyfriend.
Funny thing- Morgenstern's folk's were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor.
Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.
Bones just stared. "You're not a woman, " he said finally. "You're the Grim Reaper with red hair!
At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?""No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!
I love when I can reboot people when they are being mean to others...
That's all right, " she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine."Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.
Don't say anything. Just act cool, " I whispered.Mavkel started to shiver."Like this?" it asked."No, I mean act calm."Mavkel stopped shivering.
Can I buy you an ice cream beforeI take you home? I feel like it’s the least I can do after scaring your shirt off.
I'm sure the other kids wouldn't mind not being lectured by another toddler over the virtues of sharing and the mental benefits of toy blocks.
In my book an erection constitutes personal growth.
It’s complicated, ” I said in defense, hands going up to show surrender.“Talk slowly, ” Jenna retorted derisively.“Okay, I deserved that, ” I admitted.
I'm English. We're about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.
So what are you planning to do with the rest of your life?Develop a drinking problem. More Scotch, please.
Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.
Her brain is like a filing cabinet – everything neatly stored in categories. My brain is more like soup – everything all blended and mushed together.
She'll soon forget.""Caddy, " said Saffron impatiently, "she is headmistress of the private school! She's probably never forgotten anything in her whole life!