John Cleese Quotes

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking 'Do you want fries with that?'

I learned a lot of things about literature talking to people at the publishing company. Did you know that about 90 percent of celebrity autobiographies are ghostwritten?

Too many people confuse being serious with being solemn.

When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play as well.

But then acting is all about faking. We're all very good at faking things that we have no competence with.

I think that money spoils most things, once it becomes the primary motivating force.

When you get to my age, and I'm 66 now, you realize that the world is a madhouse and that most people are operating in fantasy anyway. So once you realise that, it doesn't bother you much.

Laughter destroys any divisions between people.

I think it takes a long time, as you get older, to realize just how crazy the world is, just how ridiculous it all is.

If you really don't know where to start or if you're stuck, start generating random connections and allow your intuition to tell you if one might lead somewhere interesting.

When people say 'I'm not a prude, but ...' what they mean is 'I am a prude, and ...'.

Give your mind as long as possible to come up with something original.

Ask yourself, "When does this decision have to be taken?" and having answered it, defer the decision until then, in order to give yourself maximum pondering time.

I think we're all born with a sense of humor. Creativity is another thing though.

If you wish to kill yourself but lack the courage to, I think a visit to Palmerston North will do the trick.

The Americans are so much more positive. They are much more in love with success. In Britain, they're a fairly envious bunch, and they love it if you fail.

The Americans are just more enthusiastic and more likely to engage in hyperbole.

It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.

It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor

You can't make Christ funny. He's self-aware, he's too flexible within the situation. It's rigidity, it's when the ego takes over and the behavior becomes inappropriate that it becomes funny.

The trouble with the British is that they are not interested in ideas. If Jesus came back today and offered to speak for an hour on British television, they would say, "What! Another talking head?

English television from the Fifties to the Nineties was the least bad in the world, and now it's just as bad as it is anywhere.

By watching the great, old comedians I picked up a few tricks about how to do physical comedy. And whenever I could learn something, I sort of added that to my repertoire.

Tension is wonderful for making people laugh.

Sci-fi has never really been my bag. But I do believe in a lot of weird things these days, such as synchronicity. Quantum physics suggests it's possible, so why not?

Why write about the past? Well, there's more of it.

The sad thing about true stupidity is that you can do absolutely nothing about it.

While you're being creative, nothing is wrong. There's no such thing as a mistake, and any drivel may lead to the breakthrough.

My mum died about three years ago at the age of 101, and just towards the end, as she began to run out of energy, she did actually stop trying to tell me what to do most of the time.

Once we've made a decision, we are efficient only if we go through with it decisively, undistracted by doubts about its correctness.

I have several times made a poor choice by avoiding a necessary confrontation.

I would say that I began with a very edgy, very driven personality and after a sufficient amount of therapy over many, many years, I managed to become rather relaxed and happy.

I think that I feel an indignation when I don't understand something.

I find the Alexander Technique very helpful in my work. Things happen without you trying. They get to be light and relaxed. You must get an Alexander teacher to show it to you.

Who's ever going to write a film in which I get the girl? Me!

Basil Fawlty was an easy character for me. For some reason, portraying a mean, uptight, incompetent bully comes naturally to me.

The thrill I got discovering Buster Keaton when I was growing up was so exciting. He was one of the greats.

When you've been doing comedy for forty years, you really do know most of the jokes. And even if you don't know a specific joke, you can pretty much guess what it's going to be.

Naturally, people's image is of a performer, but the reality of it is the writing for me has always been the most important thing and the most rewarding thing.

Laughter is a force for democracy.

High creativity is responding to situations without critical thought.

Your Mother was A Hamster and you Father Smelled of elder berries.

I was always a sports nut but I've lost interest now in whether one bunch of mercenaries in north London is going to beat another bunch of mercenaries from west London.

And now for something completely different...

My views are heretical to people who believe in political correctness.

The main evolutionary significance of humor is that it gets us from the closed mode to the open mode quicker than anything else.

There's something about watching an animal that puts you in contact with where we came from and what we're still a part of.

I get bored easily. I've been bored most of my life.

Telling people how to be creative is easy - being creative is difficult.

I can never do better than 'Fawlty Towers,' whatever I do. Now I very much want to teach young talent some rules of the game.