Ed Martin Quotes

I didn't worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger.

It's not tipping I believe in. It's overtipping.

I'm not Vegas. Places I play usually cost like $3 to get in, you know, and people are going: Gee, I've got $3, I think I'll throw it away.

I took literally everything I knew how to do on stage with me, which was juggling, magic and banjo and my little comedy routines.

I always felt the audience sorta tolerated the serious musical parts while I was doing my comedy.

It was easier to sell a painting that was not for sale.

I actually credit Twitter with fine-tuning some joke-writing skills. I still feel like I'm working at it.

The environment changed with Martha Stewart and Enron.

I'm the leader of the platoon and I run gambling and lotteries, dances and I sell beer illegally. I'm a con man and I'm thoroughly lovable.

I think when the movie 'Roxanne' came out, which I also had written, I felt something new that I never felt, which was respect.

There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.

Comedians don't get Oscars, so I gave up on that a long time ago. And I can't really speak about the Oscar-worthiness of my own performance.

Private companies have a lot of capital. They can run things efficiently and get projects built.

In my opening seconds, I would say, "It's great to be here," then move to several other spots on the stage and say, "No, it's great to be here!" I would move again: "No, it's great to be here!

Always...no wait...never.

The overhead lights reflect in the glass countertop and mingle in the gray and black of the gloves, resulting in a mother-of-pearl swirl that sometimes sends Mirabelle into a shallow hypnotic dream.

Halle Berry is here, whose win last year broke down barriers for unbelievably hot women.

With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

Hello. I'm hello, and I'd like to say myself.

Somewhere in the world is...The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.

Lacy was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized.

Mirabelle is not affected by a man’s failures to approach her, as her own self-depreciating attitude never allows the idea that he would in the first place.

She didn't even finish her last sentence; it just trailed off. I think the subject had changed in her head while her mouth had continued on the old topic, not realizing it was out of supplies.

Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.

. . . Now you see . . . they' re not fit for humans . . ." "Put them on me.

I couldn't see his face, because the light came in from behind him and he was in shadow, and he said, "I am Picasso." And I said, "Well, so what?

Why sip from a tea cup, when you can drink from the river.

Or is it that I think too much?

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it - The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

I don't watch myself gener­ally. I do something, see it once, and then I'll probably never see it again unless it's an accident.

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

So, while fitting in, she was like a wicked detail standing out against a placid background.

Although I look really good holding a gun, I can't shoot. I can't shoot anything. I'm the worst shot.

When you are telling your story, hold your own ink pen. Don't let anybody else tell your story.

It is a right to have a firearm to protect yourself. But it is not your right to be irresponsible. At the end of the day, it is not the gun that kills you, it is the irresponsible person that does.

America will never move forward if you decide to leave a nation of people behind.

Sometimes you just have to be by yourself, you need a little space and time.

As an African-American parent, we have to really, really worry about our children and how our children are perceived in America.

I think it's important for people to just stay encouraged, and stay uplifted.

How, given the canine teeth and close-set eyes that declare the human animal to be a predator, had we come up with the notion that oat bran is more natural to eat than chicken?

Christ imparts the capacity of conquest to our lives every single day that we are willing to believe Him.

Being in a rock band for 20 years is not the best resume for anything else.

Looking back, you can romanticize the things you did back then. I also like talking about the stupid things I've done.