David Quotes

Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich.

Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern.

New Orleans: The least annoying French place on Earth.

A small handgun makes any TV remote control.

Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.

I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd.

Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict.

To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You'll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended. He's as good as Houdini was at his best!

Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star of the future.'

The post office is raising the price of stamps again. I heard that and said to myself, 'If only there was an inexpensive electronic way of communicating.'

I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

It's disappointing when you finally get to meet someone you admire and he conducts himself as a jerk.

In my experience, desire is desire, love is love. I have never fallen in love with a gender. I have fallen for individuals.

But I guess you don't see the planets when you're staring at the sun. You just get blinded.

Most people, I've noticed, are instinctively harsh to strangers. They expect every approach to be an attack, every question to be an interruption.

I never know what you really want, if I can give it to you, or if I’m already too late.

I say good-bye to the part of myself that misses him so much.

That strange, twisted, torn love. That conflict between what your heart knows is right and what your mind is told is right.

The secret to living long is to have something to live for.

I have already spent roughly five thousand hours asleep next to you. This has to mean something.

When it comes to true dance, it's not about how you look, it's all about the joy you feel.

the world loves stupid labels. i wish we got to choose our own.

She stays in the same spot, anchored by the profound, desperate loneliness of a bad relationship.

Getting what you want is just as difficult as not getting what you want. Because then you have to figure out what to do with it instead of figuring out what to do without it.

This is what a memorial is: standing still, staring at something that isn’t ther

It is very hard to stay alive just for your own sake. It is very hard to stare into day after day without another familiar face staring back. It turns your heart into a purposeless muscle.

I guess it's a choice we make," she said. "What's a choice?" I asked. And she said, "How much of the world we let in.

I feel the universe is telling me something. And it doesn't even matter if it's true or not. What matters is that I feel it, and believe it.

We all contain mysteries, especially when seen from the inside.

It's as if when you love someone, they become your reason.

But the thing about a cry for help is that someone else needs to be around to hear it.

That's the problem with having a moral code. We want to destroy the jerkish part of the jerks, but we want to save the human being underneath.

I don't want to fall. All I want to do is stand on solid ground.

underneath all that denial, you're someone who's deeply, deeply nice.

What I learned The well-documented difference Between alone and lonely The comfort of knowing

I am learning that a life isn't real unless someone else knows its reality. And I want my life to be real.

School is school-she wants it to be over, but she's afraid of it being over, because then she'll have to figure out what comes next.

How amazing it is that friendships can become so full that you can't imagine what your life was like before them.

After a while, you have to be at peace with the fact that you simple are

This is my life, I think. I am an accumulation of objects.

The important thing is for the characters to feel real, and to be given the humanity they are due. That granting of humanity is what separates a full portrait from a stereotype.

Then I go in the den and turn on Law & Order, since the only thing i can really count on in life is that whenever I turn on the TV, there will be a Law & Order episode.

Because it is senior year I have begun to see things as potential absences. The things I love will become the things I'll miss.

I have taken advantage of other people's weaknesses in order to cover my own.

I'm not a very happy person," I told him."But sometimes I can trick myself into thinking I am.

He never wears a watch (his own rebellion against time, against watching).

It's like, you know how sometimes you see a really sexy baby? Wait.