Dave Barry Quotes

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

It would be hard to conceive of any activity more useless than stamp collecting.

The Mollusks—generous hosts when they weren’t trying to kill you.

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change.

For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

I can snap your spine like a toothpick.

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are.

In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.

Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.

Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

Washington is nicknamed "The Evergreen State" because it sounds better than "The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State."

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

The Republicans have a high Beady-Eyed Self-Righteous Scary Borderline Loon Quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, the entire state of Utah, etc.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the 'most reliable Windows ever.' To me, this is like saying that asparagus is 'the most articulate vegetable ever.'

Dogsled-riding is a sport that is relaxing as well as fragrant.

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

Baby's room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby's room should be in Peru.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

To enter Europe, you must have a valid passport with a photograph of yourself in which you look like you are being booked on charges of soliciting sheep.

There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out.

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

She goes to Frederick's of Hollywood at the mall and purchases an explicit lingerie outfit so sheer that you could read an appliance warranty through it in an unlit closet.

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.

Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.

It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.

This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.

Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.