Stand-up and comedy is the place where we are supposed to be able to make fun of all of the world's ills.

Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.

And when I was angry, when I was younger, I was in a cocoon. Now I'm a beautiful, black butterfly.

Bad news travels at the speed of light; good news travels like molasses.

I have snakes, three sharks, moray eels, piranhas, five scorpions and a bird spider. All of them are predators. They are dangerous but it's cool to have strong and powerful pets.

I see knowledge of self. I know who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see me.

Don't follow in my footsteps. Be original, and create your own path. Be a trailblazer! Do you! Be better than me. Do you! Be happy and have joy in your life.

I love my mother. My mother made sure, her stubbornness - she made sure we was going to eat. She made sure we had Christmases. That was my mother. My father wasn't there for that.

My father said: "If you want to catch your girl cheating, you knock on the front door and run to the back, because he's coming out the back."

I love this cornbread so much, I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

Knowledge is life.

Do the thing you're good at. Not many people are lucky enough to be so good at something.

Much effort is needed for a dream to come true.

A lady never shows her anger, she channels it to further her ends.

Somebody's going to have to make the money to buy you all those books.""They're free, " Franny said. "I check them out of the library.""Well, thank God for libraries, " Caroline said.

The values that reside in art are anarchic, they are every man's loves and hates and his momentary divine revelation.

The man who has grit enough to bring about the afforestation or the irrigation of a country is not less worthy of honor than its conqueror.

Everyone goes through a hard time in their life.

I'm making fun of midwestern homophobia [in the joke], but I'm still saying faggot. And almost every month as I'm doing that joke it gets five percent less of a laugh.

Some people asked me if I would be interested in managing the A's. I said a definite no thank you. At night, that place is a graveyard with lights.