If Jack Nicklaus had to play my tee shots, he couldn't break 80. He'd be a pharmacist with a string of drugstores in Ohio.

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.

But everyone has some kind of power to hurt people.

While I'm frustrated at the amount I'm expected to take on in the present, the 1950s woman was frustrated by being excluded - not being allowed to take things on at all.

Keep working while grace abound.

Betrayal leaves a gigantic scar which can never be seen ...

He was like a song I'd heard once in fragments but had been singing in my mind ever since.

Adolescence is a tough one to be a child actor.

If he touches you, I'll come in and choke him to death.

The image my work invokes is the image of good - not evil; the image of order - not chaos; the image of life - not death. And that is all the content of my constructions amounts to.

Like ships that have gone down at sea, when heaven was all tranquillity.

Remember, children. For every exit, there is also an entrance. ~ Milligan, The Mysterious Benedict Society