I have no skills. I mean, I can make jokes, I'm pretty good at talking to people on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I can figure out what makes a pretty good story, and I can make eggs really well.

Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the Earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them.

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.

Specificity is the soul of narrative.

I am not beautiful, so I don't know why I'm making myself ugly. But the mustache stays.

All I can ask from society is that it please stop telling me why I should like sports.

I actually own a copy of my own book; that's how dedicated I am as an author.

There is no ritual that enhances creativity other than just starting.

My career as a magazine writer was largely prefaced on the idea of curiosity, to go on adventures and weasel my way into the lives of people that I admire.

A literary agent is nothing but a cheap salesman (or woman); while a writer is a cheap salesman (or woman) who also has to actually write the books.

The villain of any story is often the most compelling character.

To create emptiness in your heart, let it go with love and fill it with infinite love.

Just because we're friends, doesn't mean I shouldn't have to say sorry. You deserve that respect.

Blessed are the elderly men and women.

It is important to keep in mind that our bodies must work pretty well, or their wouldn't be so many humans on the planet.

I never saw music in terms of men and women or black and white. There was just cool and uncool.

My dad just imprinted in my mind from a very young age that you always do what you say you're gonna do when you say you're gonna do it.

God has a sense of humor. If you don't believe me, tomorrow go to wal-mart and just look at people.

I learned that life, it's beautiful to be alive. I saw a lot of people dead there. When I got out of there, I was happy I was out, happy I was alive.

Be not ashamed to have had wild days, but not to have sown your wild oats.

To live without loving is not really to live.