So Funny Quotes

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.

I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

The time is not yet ripe to say what happened. When history's ready, then we can talk about it

Don't repeat the lies of the liars.

They want to deceive their people first because now they are in a very shabby situation

A small number of peasants - brave peasants - shot down two Apaches

Up till now, they are only on dock No. 10, not in Umm Qasr, not in the city

It's a small town, it has only a few docks ... now they are in a trap.

Iraqi forces are still in control of the city, and they are engaging in an attrition war with the enemy.

They try to engage the world as much as they can and we will continue until they leave our land.

Americans are now in disarray

They are again in the dirt in the desert.

We will get them stuck in the mud and we will certainly defeat them.

The Americans, they always depend on a method what I call ... stupid, silly. All I ask is check yourself. Do not in fact repeat their lies.

These mercenaries, I swear by God, those who are still in Washington, they have sent their troops to be burned.

The soldiers of Saddam Hussein have given them a lesson they will never forget.

They are becoming hysterical. This is the result of frustration.

Let the American infidels bask in their illusion.

Bush, Blair and Rumsfeld; they are the funny trio.