Humour Quotes

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.

Unrequited love is a billion times less intolerable than unrequited hate.

Death would not surprise us as often as it does, if we let go of the misbelief that newborns are less mortal than the elderly.

He with the cleanest clothes isn’t necessarily the cleanest.

Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a man is jealous of his own car, house, wardrobe, or salary.

I have tremendous respect for anyone who can control his palate enough to learn not only to drink beer but to enjoy it too.

Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.

We are sometimes depressed by our failure to convince people who strongly believe that we are that we are definitely not depressed.

I guess that the goddess Venus wasn’t on my side with this fine specimen of the male gender!

I was in my element, excuse the pun.

His tricks had raised the temperature of the room considerably, although I was pretty sure his presence alone had that effect.

How could I suddenly go from a person who had struggled to dissect an already dead mouse, to someone who was willing to murder a human being? There was no logic to it!

It his mind, they reminded him of ‘Tweedle Dee’ and ‘Tweedle Dum’, with an extra emphasise placed on the ‘Dum’!

So much for a “Happy Halloween!” I thought sarcastically. I should wear a huge sign around my neck from now onwards that reads: ‘Stay clear of me if you want your party to survive the night’!

We are sometimes dragged into a pit of unhappiness by someone else’s opinion that we do not look happy.

Nothing is as irritating to a shy man as a confident girl.

Marketing is so powerful that it can make even an extremely untalented musician a one-hundred-hits wonder.

Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was and is still a prince.

The least we each ought to do for someone who treats us like a king or a queen is to treat them like a prince or a princess.

(on learning Westlife had beaten Oasis, U2 and The Beatles in an album chart battle in November 2006): There is no God.

A laugh a day does you more good than an apple – read a humours book ...

Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not know it or them anymore.

Many a man was caused to perish by something that he and many men cherish.

Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

If I could do it all again, I would start three hundred years ago, and write twice as fast.

If I could split myself into five people, I would still be behind on my writing schedule. I see now why James Patterson cloned himself so many times.

And if you can't trust an ancient talking tree, what was the point of having one?

There probably was a time when the idea of having a toilet inside a house was repulsive.

A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water.

An arrogant man whose arrogance we see from his own behaviour is more tolerable than a humble man whose humility we hear of from his own mouth.

What use is of an eye to be open if it's not there to see! Shouldn't it rather be gauged or closed for it deceives?

It is hard to be kind to those who smack the hands that feed you.

Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.

Some people would not be dead if they have not gotten the things or people they had prayed for.

Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love.

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.

Some people are each envious of the person they used to be.

We the living are to blame for the painfulness of being dead.

I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.

We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.

The fact that you have just buried your parent or parents and/or sibling or siblings does not make you less likely to die today.

Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

The innocent little girl said at the end of her prayer "Jesus, please take care of yourself because if anything happens to you, we are all in trouble

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.