Humour Quotes

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

At my lowest point, when things were at their most desperate and uncomfortable, I always found myself in the company of Australians, who were like a reminder that I'd touched bottom.

You can take that needle out of my leg now. I'd like to pull up my pants.

You look extremely young, " said Miss Nightingale...."Age isn't really a matter of years, I find, " returned Phemie. "I know people twice my age who will never be as old as I am now.

Old age is not just for grown up's

It was during Latin that the Austro-Hungarians arrived with their dogs and zombies to kill everyone at the Eden College for Young Ladies.

I swear I've good morals. It's just that bad ones befriend me. I'm a friendly person, you know. But I will talk to them. Believe you me.

lose weight, eat backwards.

This is supposed to be a lighthearted session of symbolic document destruction, not a political debate.

It just a fun game, until someone starts to win and then everyone else begins to cheat!

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.

Resilience, thy name is Devine.

I get my share of mud flung my way, but the secret is to dance in the rain and the mud will wash away.

Uncle Vernon’s face worked furiously. The idea of being taught consideration by a man who had just blasted away half his living-room wall seemed to be causing him intense suffering.

That's one way we differ, Jaime and I. He's taller as well, you may have noticed.

Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring.[points to self]

Truly, " remarked Nandi as we entered a darkened tunnel, "it is amazing that you have not died yet, mistress." "Well, hang in there. The night is young.

I give you full credit for the discovery, I crawl, I grovel, my name is Watson, and you need not say what you were just going to say, because I admit it all.

Humour is the best weapon to fight any battle. But there is a thin line between humour and humiliation and beware not to cross it.

What if, " replied Inspector Fry in the same maddeningly curteous tone, "we were all to construct daisy chains and drape them so as to shield the words from public view?

Don't worry, everyone is mentally ill, they just haven’t figured out a name for yours yet.

Sometimes he was weird, sometimes he was Captain Douchebag, but he was always my best friend.

Sharks don’t eat seafood because they like it, but because chicken can’t swim.

Poverty, hatred, war, police-criminals, bureaucracy, insanity, all symptoms of The Human Virus.

It made Craze smile, despite wishing most of his body parts would find new homes and leave him in peace.

Forget it, ” I said. “Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he’d still be preferable to listening to the two of you.

I had everything summed up in a nutshell unfortunately I lost the nut.

Light and dark ain't supposed to mix. They're like broccoli and chocolate - just nasty when you put them together - but that appears to be what's happening with you

Best that all mischief be undertaken behind a squeaky door

I want a new liver to replace my heart.""Um, why?""Because then I could drink more and care less.

Dell had left the army and taken the discipline home with him. I’d left the theatre world and taken the whisky sodas home with me.

Of all the things I expected to find in my lunch, a live snake wasn't one of them.

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying off what you bought yesterday.

You can't judge a book by its cover, " he said. "No, " said Watts. "But you can tell how much it's gonna cost!

If I don't keep this job, then my only future career-options are working in Argos, or being a prostitute, ' I say, w

Heartache makesfor good poetry, heartburnnot so much.

Are you saying that the Rebel Alliance were religious terrorists and Yoda was a benefit cheat?

Sorry, no. I refuse to join an army which practices human sacrifice and has no adequate pension plan.

Yeah, but will it hurt?”’ I asked.“This is science, Zach, ” Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. “Of course it will hurt.

Carol, I thought you didn't liked playing with the minds of normal people.”“Yes, but the press don't count as normal.”“She’s got you there, ” HARV added.

Great Gates almighty, ” HARV said inside my brain. “I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it's frumpy mother.

I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?"Lillian shot her a withering glance. "Daisy, don’t be a pea wit.

I was shy, ” said six-foot-one of bashful male. He grunted as a sharp, feminine elbow thudded inconspicuously into his side.

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence.""Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’