Humour Quotes

The public thinks big, sensible, measured thoughts while people run around doing silly things

If Beyoncé Knowles and Miley Cyrus represent the latest branch of feminism, then surely the male-dominated power elite must be aroused with concern.

Women in love are patheticand I cannot be bothered, for now, I am back to metaphysicsand my armpits gather hair.

Nonsense, this is my home and I must defend it. It’s time for Santa to get serious.

Foolish potato, talking to her like that won’t work. You’ve got to be mean and show off your foil-wrapped rigidity.

Our friend Chewy doesn’t speak much, but he chews a lot of tobacco so we call him Chewbacco.

If you want the extra-ordinary, you've got to be willing to forsake the ordinary' - Annie Grimes in Mr Alhourani's Dead Man's Spots

I don't know if you've ever been covered head to toe in prickle bush, but let me tell you, it's not a pleasant experience, as I'm sure you can imagine.

Shocked my old friend from China, Deja Vu, when I turned up at his door without notice.

The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.

Does bad luck come in 3's...or is it multiples of 3?

Of all funny things, truth is the funniest.

I don't talk ill about people I don't know, " said Bartleby. "I only disparage them in silence and hope they die.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Mom Voice - A mother's vocal range when even the neighbours will clean their rooms and eat their veggies.

Spike: Bloody hell, woman, you're cutting off my circulation!Buffy: You don't have any circulation.Spike: Well, it pinches

Sit Down - What to do if a parent wants to get their child's attention.

Love is like chickenpox. It's much worse when it comes late.

But how do we know it's working properly?''The green light is on.' said Jack.

If You Get Accidentally Locked, In the loo - Would you ‪#‎KnockYourSelfOut‬?

He was the kind of teacher every child hated, and they suspected most of the staff did not like him too.

What do you mean Ronan's a magical entity? Is he a demon? Because this all makes sense if so.

Nobody ever drowned in their own sweat.

4:15. Not 4 not 4:30 but 4:15. She thought to intimidate me with the use of quarter hours.

Bad habits have brought me this far: why change such a tried-and-true formula?

What a shabby lot of highbrows have turned out tonight, " he said, when he saw us. "It makes me ashamed to be one.

Seuls les poissons morts suivent le courant' - Only dead fish follow the current

I have never met a politician who has exceeded my low expectations of them.

But then he put aside the awkward encounter, which his mind allowed him to do quite easily. He could compartmentalize at an astonishing level. It came from not giving a shit.

What’s gotten into you?” he wondered, blinking in sudden frustration.“Not you, that’s for a certainty.

Failure is something you experience on your way to success - unless you're a skydiver.

No one has the ability to laugh at their misfortunes like the women of the East End.

The prerequisite for a banker is Strait As and no talent.

Not one of the boys like me. I’ve put their noses out of joint.”“Well, they were never good-looking lads.

Mary, we met in a pub. As you weren’t banging a tambourine, I understand you weren’t selling the word of God.

It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.

I have a face for radio and a voice for writing.

If it’s taking to long to get up the career ladder, get a career lift.

Ouch! What are you doing, Karl, you broke my skull!

You ask me why I write. You might as well ask me why I breathe. I need oxygen to feed my body and ink to feed my soul.

I’m subject to occasional theological nightmares. The one that leaves me in a cold sweat every time is, I arrive at the pearly gates and the first thing I’m asked is where I went to college.

To steel yourself against mangoes showed a degree of iciness that was almost inhuman.

It is much harder than you might think to show people your bottom.

Exceed expectations" is such a lispy term. I hope that it never infiltrates the bedroom or sport.

Don’t know if it’s good or bad that a Google search on “Big Bang Theory” lists the sitcom before the origin of the Universe

Once upon a time, there was a Zen signat every small railway crossing in AmericaStop. Look. And listen.

I don't have a thing, " Tengo said, "except my soul.""Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles, " she said.

People who say you can't do something should be ignored. They're probably talking to themselves.

You don’t get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion.

And then this happened. And then this other thing happened. Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you about the time this happened. I should've had this book over for a cup of coffee and a chat.