Humor Quotes

What do you think of Christmas?""I like it, " she said. "I think we should have it every year.

In the days approaching Christmas, she always reminds me of the previous year: 'Jane crocheted you an entire poncho, and all you gave her was a bone-shaped beach stone.

Perhaps I should just bury myself and become a diamond after thousands of years of intense pressure

Sierra, it's Christmastime. Put a stupid mistletoe over his head and kiss him already!

Let's not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We'll have a tiny bit of it, I said.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a a note on it saying, toys not included.

Paying twenty-five dollars for me was your mistake, ma’am. I’m not worth more than fifteen.

Dave put a lot of thought into picking out the books his dad would like least.

He sees me when I'm lying. He hears me when I flirt.

I had a dream that I was perfect…I woke up and was still perfect. Aw.

Sometimes I wonder if the human race isn't collectively as mad as a sack of door knobs.

We yearn for a stranger to poke around in our heart. Such an irrational thing it is. Flutter once and lunacy behold.

Going mad is the beginning of a process. It is not supposed to be the end result.

There is a difference between being mad and being surrounded by retards.

Because he was English and that's what the English do under stress: they drink tea.

Mars and my own stupidity keep trying to kill me.

many men are neither worthy of their wives, nor of their dogs.

It's like they've forgotten everything important, isn't it? I mean, forgotten things like cats and dancing exist.

Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

-I'm stubborn not stupid. There's a fine line between the two. Stupid people think they're right when they're wrong. Stubborn people know they're wrong but won't admit it.

First things first, though, I thought, and headed straight for the liquor cabinet. Times like this call for straight scotch, no rocks.

Be kind to everyone, everyone is going through something

Celaena?” Sam asked into the dark. “Should I worry about going to sleep?”She blinked, then laughed under her breath. At least Sam took her threats somewhat seriously.

People blame science. Shit, man, people shouldn’t blame science. People should blame people.

We fiction writers are a brazen lot, are we not? For we, in our passion, embrace just enough truth to consecrate our delicately contrived lies.

To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and passionate lies.

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high, Hope you break your neck and die.

When it comes to love triangles and duels to the death, you should always cheat. - Fairy Werewolf vs. Zombie Vampire

Cassidy continued to rub his chest and groaned at Ollie pleadingly. “I don"t like it. Make it stop.”“It"s just love, sweetie. It won"t kill you. I promi

Love is not a landmine but a sinkhole.

In the end, we all die for what we believe in... mostly because we all die.

Love is a damagemade to the heart, violence, fate thats written, Changeable by distance, Breakable by time...!

Some folks say that you can’t get rid of a problem until you shuck it. So, brother, let’s start shucking.

You have two eyes, and two ears, but only one mouth. This is so because you are supposed to look and listen more than you talk.

I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?

SOUNDS GROSS, " he said. "SALAZAR PREFERS WOOD. TAPESTRIES ARE ALSO ACCEPTABLE.

The very last thing I needed was fire burning through my palms.

Writing a first-draft battle scene is akin to real combat—chaos, confusion, and you must keep your cool as you fire word bullets downrange.

Wisdom comes in the silence of one's chaos

... the house is on fire, but go ahead - finish painting the verandah...

And we'll call you...hmmm. Pudge.""Huh?""Pudge, " the Colonel said. "Because you're skinny. It's called irony, Pudge. Heard of it? Now, let's go get some cigarettes and start this year off right.

This book is written with an open mind and it should be read with the same

Some are born old maids, some achieve old maidenhood, and some have old maidenhood thrust upon them, " parodied Miss Lavendar whimsically.

My name is Skippito Friskito. (clap-clap)I fear not a single bandito. (clap-clap)My manners are mellow, I'm sweet like the Jell-o, I get the job done, yes indeed-o. (clap-clap)

Behold the day-break!I awaken you by sitting on your chest and purring in your face, I stir you with muscular paw-prods, I rouse you with toe-

You can never know where I am or what I am, But I am good company to you nonetheless, And really do regret I broke your ink

The noisy jay swoops by and reviles me, he complains of my meow and my malingering.I too am not a bit subdued, I too am uncontrollable, I sound my splenetic yowl over the roof of the h

The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem." This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course.

Would you buy potato chips that listed potato by-product or potato digest as an ingredient

Cats, Dog considered, were clearly a lot tougher than lost souls.