Humor Humour Quotes

Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.

Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.

Had a cold hummus with pita bread, Under a delicious food, yellow or red. Might just have the appetite to cook Urgent dinner by hook or crook.So that's just a humus humor spread.

The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be.

US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army.

Poverty does not always prevent a rich person from dating someone who is poor, unless the man is the one who is poor.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Failure is something you experience on your way to success - unless you're a skydiver.

It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.

If it’s taking to long to get up the career ladder, get a career lift.

If you were given the chance to be reborn after your death, buy you could only come back as a squirrel, would you complain?

The main causes for divorceare marriages.

On the sixth day god created man, on the seventh day man created god.Now we are even.

Once upon a time, there was a Zen signat every small railway crossing in AmericaStop. Look. And listen.

Be careful, ' I hissed, then released him. 'Keep one eye on your back, and two on your best friend.''That's three eyes.''You'll need four to survive what's coming, ' I said.

Some people respect some people only because some people respect them.

For a tiny instant Faith wondered whether it would benefit the doctor's investigation if he experienced a cliff fall first-hand.

When it comes to things such as sugar and rice, most people believe that brown is superior to white. But when it comes to human beings, they believe that the opposite is true.

You cannot really shame a man who sincerely does not care what others think of him.

Every single living thing is food to at least one living thing.

A bunch of bad songs, make an awful whine.

There exists a microscopic breed of brain beetle, commonly known as an ‘idea’. An idea desires only one thing: To catch the perfect brain wave.

[An example of misattribution:]If you don’t know the source of a quote, you can always make it sound better by attributing it to me.— Mark Twain

If you find yourself cutting corners, go in a circle instead

This is no tall story. Nor is it a short story. Indeed, a story cannot be measured, for their realities stretch far beyond a page or one person’s life.

Shit happens. You can either stand their and complain about the smell or you can wipe your shoe and keep walking.

Do not fall in love.....it means you have to look at someone else.

If you feel that you can solve others problems, then please, work little more on your own problems and solve them first.

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?”“Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it.

A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.

The reason God never fails is because he fears to fail

Lord Emsworth belonged to the people-like-to-be-left-alone-to-amuse-themselves-when-they-come-to-a-place school of hosts

Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

When I write, it feels like there are two little creatures that sit on each of my shoulders. One whispers, "You can do this. You've got what it takes." The other sounds like my mother-in-law.

Zane raised his brow. “Didn’t I say that yesterday?” he asked, forcinghimself to be patient. Somehow.“You say that like you think I listen to you, ” Ty responded instantly, asmile pulling at his lips.

A camera is just like a woman, as long as you have one of them hanging around your neck....life is just fine

Just because I'm insane doesn't mean I have to act all crazy.

That was when I realised a sad but incontrovertible truth: I was a geek, and there was no getting around it. I could dress in Kate’s clothes, but it didn’t make me Kate.

They want your sons.”“My–? But I don’t… ew!

I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".

On a good day, my style is librarian chic. On a bad day, it's frumpy mother.

Sleepwalking is the perfect exorcise for lazy people

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren't much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

Old age is not just for grown up's

A credit card allows you transcend time. For it allows you to put off until tomorrow what you bought today, while you are still paying what you bought yesterday.