Louis C.K. Quotes

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

It's just a big excuse to say awful things.

There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.

When I was a kid there was a show called 'Holmes & Yo-Yo' about a robot cop. I LOVED that show and I think it only lasted like three episodes.

To me, comedies are usually the least funny movies. Movies that are actually a comedy are usually not all that funny. To me Goodfellas and Raging Bull are two of the funniest movies I ever saw.

You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.

Expensive quality work doesn't cost more - it pays.

I like all ladies of all different ages.

You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.

I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.

The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them.

I grew up watching all these crazy movies, European movies and stuff, and I guess that I always laughed at things that were a little more offbeat.

I find that when people laugh really hard, it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff.

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.

Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.

I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show.

If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.

I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.

People don't talk to me on airplanes.

You have to do a show as honestly as you can. But you also can't afford skepticism, because it's preparing for failure, which is useless.

I'm not raising the children, I'm raising the grown ups that they're going to be.

It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.

When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

I've always benefited from knowing machines well, because it's freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.

Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.

If you have something to say, here's what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.

When you're young as a comic, you don't have a lot of leverage.

I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.

The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.

It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you’re new at this — and by 'new at it, ' I mean 15 years in, or even 20 — you’re just starting to get traction.

I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them.

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.