I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

I have no will of my own. Never did. Limp and lily-livered, I always obey - is it possible that's attractive to women?

Sure, black holes can kill us, and in a variety of interesting and gruesome ways. But, all in all, we may owe our very existence to them.

I want to caution you against the idea that balance has to be a routine that looks the same week in and week out.

Do we really think that a government-dominated education is going to produce citizens capable of dominating their government, as the education of a truly vigilant self-governing people requires?

She went crazy with a calm face, justifiably so.

I've been allowed to grow over the past twenty years. I've managed to avoid being trapped in one moment of my career and for that, I'm very thankful

The time I'm not spending with my kid has to be worth it.

Trial by jury must be preserved. It is the best system ever invented for a free people in the world's history.

It was an absurd theory that by cutting taxes you would increase government revenues, because the growth of the economy would create an overflow of taxes that would fall into the government coffers.

You can't preach it like it is if you don't believe it like it was.