Craig Ferguson Quotes

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

Here in Los Angeles, school's out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it's the first week of hell.

I proved to my own satisfaction that I am madder than I think.

Some people watching CNN were so shocked they started rioting. No, I'm kidding. No one watches CNN.

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

You should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.

Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call.

I would prefer as a viewer to watch the mistakes. I am my own blooper reel, as it happens.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.

In the past I've been hard on the vegans. I've called them Prius-driving fascists, but now I am one of them. I have been turned to the dark side.

A number of U.S. colleges are going to start having dorms for alcoholics. I believe those are called dorms.

Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit rock bottom?

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

You know when you're a kid and you think, 'Oh no, I've got double math, this is never gonna end,' but then it ends, and it's like it never happened? That's like life.

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.

Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.

I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.

Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you'll make it.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.