Humor Quotes
My new story collection won’t please everyone, nor was it meant to. Then again, not everybody lives in my world. If they did, I’d have to move out and find another world to write about.
I thought I was in love, but it was only a head cold." (Humans)
I loved the feeling of finally falling in love to someone who would love me back.
The other one was filled with loud and obnoxious tourists. Always boasting on winning a sand castle competition and seeing who could get tanned first. What a whacky bunch of people.
Can you imagine how many people got laid in here?" Abby said, walking to the other side of the Jacuzzi.
I did the only thing I could. I said the dumbest thing any man has ever said to a woman, “Yeah, it’s just me and my trash can here, ” as I patted its lid and started pushing it up the driveway.
...I tried to pretend that what we were enacting was nothing more than an intricate kind of handshake." ~Malcolm
If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science
What's more important than recycling? Producing something to recycle.
My great-great grandfather and I were the best of friends, although we never met
...we haven't had any accidents for months now...Everything on that island is perfectly fine.
My cat mocks me frequently. It's the universe's way of keeping me from getting too big of an ego.
If you make some comment even obliquely alluding to menstruation or menopause and its effect on my judgment, " Murphy interrupted, "I will break your arm in eleven places.
You have some balls."Frankie hated that expression, ever since Zada had pointed out to her that it equates courage with the male equipment...
Your key hobbies need to be long country walks (get some fresh air in those lungs!), masturbation, and the revolution. Between those three, you should, in the long term, stay relatively sane.
I'm sure lovely girls such as yourselves need not worry about this"—Madame LaRoche begins, and I have a hunch we're about to be cautioned against something we enjoy
Women have problem areas in a way that men don't. We have big hips and muffin tops. Men just have the thing where they create wars and wreak havoc all over the globe.
Men so often became stubborn when they didn't get their way with the ladies in their lives.
There's just one thing I want you to remember. You know those chemicals women have in them, when they've got PMS? Well, men have the very same chemicals in them all the time.
Megan, you just single handedly set the women’s movement back twenty years
Women in love are patheticand I cannot be bothered, for now, I am back to metaphysicsand my armpits gather hair.
I felt bad for the girls in my school, who flocked to prom like it was the second coming of Christ, complete with double-rainbows and unicorns.
Good humor may be said to be one of the very best articles of dress one can wear in society.
Hypocrisy is the resin that holds the plywood of society together.
I would love to be on a Real Housewives from somewhere reality show. Then I could show all those women how the rest of our society gets to do it.
Society is composed of two great classes-- those who have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
I have no desire to spend every night of the next few months at balls and soirees or drowning in tea with morning callers.
People who worry that nuclear weaponry will one day fall in the hands of the Arabs, fail to realize that the Islamic bomb has been dropped already, it fell the day MUHAMMED (pbuh) was born.
Genius feels like an over extended Helium balloon about to burst, and everyone criticizes you for not having a conventional way of coping with it.
Now if you are told that some piece of information will come as a shock to you, the chances are that you will really feel shocked, even if the information itself isn't of the slightest importance.
Shall we go?' he murmured, perhaps regretting his decision to show me his army of plastic cartoon figurines.
Angie: "How do I pitch these ideas to her?"Mira: "From a distance, preferably wearing body armor.
I had sent her to four consecutive psychiatrists, and not one of them had gotten me sober.
It has been a messy week, and I blame myself as much as anyone else. I feel like a behaviourist who has designed her rat’s maze poorly.
Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn't mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.
Psychology is more concerned with identifying the degree of mental disorder and less with its cure!
There is a characteristic INTJ expression which has become popularly termed "the death glare." This facial expression is actually not a glare, but the INTJ's neutral face.
The more I know, the more I realize that I don't know much at all...