Humor Quotes

You cannot, it seems, let children run about the streets. People who have seen them running wild in Russia say that the sight is not a pleasant one.

I remembered that Beethoven's symphonies had sometimes been given names... they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.

What the hell are you doing here? You weren't on the guest list. Hell, you people aren't on anybody's guest list. If you turned up at a funeral, the corpse would walk out on you.

The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic.

In fact the bare adjective "bad" hardly scratches the surface of the man's awesome incapacity.

Normal is just a settng on your dryer

Whew, ' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did.

...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.

I fought the mighty urge to watch her put it on. My libido had just burst out of the closet and was tripping over furniture yelling, "Who? What? Where?" (Please excuse him. He doesn't get out much)

It is a curiously moving experience, to hear 350 sailors uttering the words "Oh shit!" in eleven different languages.

She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.

it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.

How do you explain plastic to a medieval forest bard?

The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, walked into that room and vomited everywhere.

Monseigneur, I have killed you! You are dead! You are dead!"You display an unseemly joy, " he remarked. "I had no notion you were so bloodthirsty.

If u want to work in Corporate, then u should know how to play Chess.

If you truly believe you need to pick a mobile phone that "says something" about your personality, don't bother. You don't have a personality. A mental illness, maybe - but not a personality.

I swear to hold my tongue about it till the end of your worship's days, and God grant I may be able to let it out tomorrow

I've had quite enough danger for a while I think. I might have some more when I'm thirteen, but definitely not before then...

...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.

If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams?

Nate shook his head with a crooked grin. "You haven't gone Back to the Future, McFly.

[a]nd the Pig Man came in from Waitomo and swore that if Louisa didn't marry him he'd damn well vote Labour at the next ele

Nothing more likely, "said Hannasyde. "I've got to try and rattle him.""It's him that'll do the rattling, "said the Sergeant darkly. "he's the nearest thing to a snake I've seen outside of the Zoo.

Lucas took a tentative sip of his coffee. It tasted like an otter had pissed in a tea urn and it had been left to go stale over a prolonged period.

The worst case of discrimination can be witnessed in music. Imagine calling B 'sharp' in presence of D 'minor

Arab' is the new four-letter word, didn't you know?

One day we found them. They must of been holding a gook convention or something, cause it seem like the same sort of deal as when you step on a anthill and they all come swarming around.

Mr. Cupples came out of his reverie. "I think, " he said, "I will have milk and soda-water." "Speak lower!" urged Trent. "The head-waiter has a weak heart, and he might hear you.

I hope you grow up to be as good a mother as your father

I suppose we should contact the local authorities?” said W

Your ancient enemy is basically just a really, really big squirrel

Dead people are just great. Meet me when you are.

All hail, Queen Shit-of-Liesville!

You are soft person you said. But you're soft as shit: it is very soft but stinking!

Now, my sister has been called a lot of things:sweet, kind, a living Disney princess, but none of those things imply that she would ever date someone just for his money.

Civilization must be preserved, ' says he.'Civilization's doing fine, ' I said. 'We just don't happen to be where it is.

50% of all facts are false and the other half are just made up

Always walk as if you’re running late, it’s healthier.

You haven't been fired, " Mary said with a sigh. "You always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Why on earth would you be getting f

C is for coffee. Coffee would always be there for her.

I thought the trees down in Lady Zelana’s country were about as big as a tree could get, ” he said, “but the ones around here are so tall that they probably tickle the moon’s tummy when she goes by.

Laugh and the world laughs with you.Fart and you're on your own.

You only get one life.Too bad you already made a mess of it.

. . . Mrs. Arcanum considered foreign parts only marginally less unspeakable than private parts. . .

You can't conceive the perverse ingenuity he could put into hiding his affections.

It’s a terrible person who listens to what we say rather than what we mean

Daddy loved his son. Daddy believed his son walked on water. Daddy, Mike had long ago decided, was an idiot.

I m not funny, really m not !!! I just tell people the truth, and then they start laughing and say haha you are funny...but seriously m not!!!

The average adult hates being treated like a child, unless it suits them.