Comedy Quotes

Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love.

Passing their toilet training is the very last thing that some adults did that has made their parents proud of them.

Thanks to bad graphic design, some readers love only the electronic version of some books.

Some people are each envious of the person they used to be.

We the living are to blame for the painfulness of being dead.

I do not have a problem with people killing themselves, as long as they took at least a hundred years to think about what they are about to do.

We think we like or love some people until we see them regularly.

We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.

You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.

The fact that you have just buried your parent or parents and/or sibling or siblings does not make you less likely to die today.

Some people’s self-esteem was secretly improved when they discovered that their then-lovers had killed themselves over them.

To increase the chances of a writer trying to kill themselves, cut off their hands.

Some people wish they were as happy as or happy like some people think they are.

Some disabled people spend a significant amount of their energy on trying to come across as abled or as not that disabled.

Not every single way of saying the right thing is right.

Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.

After a certain point, all natural bodily changes are for the worst.

Some people love but will never marry each other. Some are married to but have never loved and will never love each other.

Unless it is you, finding out who your lover’s dream lover is is a nightmare.

Having a kid is like an industrial revolution of the emotions. Suddenly you can mass produce worry, and guilt.

If we had to earn our age by thinking for ourselves at least once a year, only a handful of people would reach adulthood.

Nothing humbles a beautiful woman better than not being wanted by a man whose girlfriend or wife is ugly (or not as beautiful as she is).

To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.

Your relationship or marriage is dead or dying, if you almost always have to remind your partner to miss you (and/or they almost always have to remind you to miss them).

More people would be depressed, if parents tried to please their children as frequently and as badly as children try to please their parents.

Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good care of them.

Many a woman is in a relationship with or married to her man not because she loves him but only because she likes men like him.

One of the leading causes of obesity is the misbelief that, when it comes to juice, ‘100%’ means ‘sugar-free.

Death is number one on the list of things that we wish were possible to leave behind when we escaped barbarism.

Not everyone who has killed themselves because they were HIV positive would have been killed by AIDS.

Whether it is big or small, the size of a poor man’s yard incessantly reminds him that he is poor.

We are sometimes hurt mostly or only not by what happened or is happening to us but by being felt sorry for.

Being HIV positive doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to die before each and every person who is HIV negative.

All I have is me, myself and I and we are all getting really tired of each other.

We human beings regard ourselves as (or compare ourselves to) animals only when it suits us.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

What did the soup say to the tea plate? "You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.

It's hard to sleep when you have thirty two million quids worth of stolen jewellery hidden under the mattress.

Of all funny things, truth is the funniest.

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

When life gives you lemons ask it for sugar and water too. Otherwise your final product would be some acidic lemon juice!

If typos are God's way of keeping a writer humble, plot holes certainly keeps one on their knees.

Most people believe most of the things they believe only because they believe that most people believe them.

Lipstick?" He arched a brow."I'm on the hunt for my perfect shade, " I respond, de

There was an edge to his expression, like he didn't trust anyone who was more attractive than he was.

You cannot really shame a man who sincerely does not care what others think of him.

Thanks to photography, some memories overstay their welcome.

Some mistakes are worse than others: wearing your underwear inside out isn’t as uncomfortable as wearing it back to front.

Every single living thing is food to at least one living thing.

Our parents would not be ‘The best parents in the world’ (to us) if they were not our parents.