Craig Ferguson Quotes

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

I used to psych myself up before the show and now I do the complete opposite: I psych myself down. It's 12:30 at night, you don't want some guy yelling at you. You want some guy just talking to you.

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.

There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.

HD doesn't mean anything to me. It's a technical thing. It's like demographics. A lot of people know about it.

There's something I believe wholeheartedly: Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism is easy. Joy is an extremely advanced spiritual and intellectual tenet.

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love.

Stand by your bed and salute me.

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

The three drunkest cities in America: Fresno, Riverside, and whatever Mel Gibson is driving through.

Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

Cannabis always made me paranoid; I felt like people were watching me. And now I'm sober, and I've got this talk show in the middle of the night on CBS, and I now know that no one is watching me.

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.

I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.