Tim Vine Quotes

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'