Jeremy Clarkson Quotes

If a football official were to call for a slow-motion replay every time Didier Drogba fell over, each match would last about six weeks.

Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.

I'm not capable of having an affair. You can ask my wife. I'm not physically capable.

Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

Italy's youngsters complain, apparently, about having to live at home until they are 72 but that's because they spend all their money on suits and coffee and Alfa Romeos rather than mortgages.

I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sportscar in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

I think it's a good idea to tie Peter Mandelson to a van. Such an act would be cruel and barbaric and inhuman. But it would at least cheer everyone up a bit.

I rang up Jay Kay, who's got one, and said: 'Can we borrow yours?' and he said, 'Yeah, if I can borrow your daughter, because it amounts to the same thing.'

That [Pagani] Zonda, really! It’s like a lion in orange dungarees. Kind of fierce, but ridiculous all at the same time.

There are many rules for the elderly in the Highway Code. I have one too, and here it is: get a bloody move on.

There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!

When you've finished using a car, put the f***ing seat back, so humans can use it afterwards.

If you go through the pearly gates backwards in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!

I don't think I am particularly funny. In fact, I know I'm not.

I'd just find a story in Canada and come and do it. Combine harvester banger - actually I've done that: banger racing up in Red Deer [in Alberta, for his 1998 doc series Extreme Machines].

It's just thinking of funny things that will amuse us and entertain us and we'll come and do it.

.. international hand of freindship. A cigarette

It was as relaxing as being tickled.

I therefore have to use The Force. And weirdly, this doesn't work very well. I don't understand why, because on the last census, I put my religion down as Jedi Knight.

Planet Earth thought it had £10. But it turns out we only had £2. Which means everyone must lose 80% of their wealth

Because drug dealers shoot each other in London, Norfolk farmers can't have guns to defend their homes. I mean, no one wants a gun - except at 4am when they hear a strange sound in the kitchen.

This is perfect for India because everyone who comes here gets the trots.

Mix an anorexic body with a heart made of pure fire and you are going to go with a savagery that's hard to explain.

Column writing is like gas - it fills the available space.

Why is the forecast so bland? Why instead of 'stormy' don't they just say the sea's 'a frothing maelstrom of terror and hopelessness'?

If we build three million new houses by 2020, where will we grow all the stuff needed to feed the people who live in them?

You know what, I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!

I'm a horse of a man!

Nothing can prepare you for the yawning chasm of time that passes in Canada before the healthcare system actually does any healthcare.